Judge Mommy

I'm so happy today is Friday! So. Happy.

This week has just been bonkers for us!! I keep telling people my schedule hoping to get sympathy from someone... anyone!! But I think most people look at my four kids and think, "Lady, you brought this on yourself."

Or they don't get it.

Like, I tried to tell my brother how insane my week/weekend was because he is in town through Sunday and we will hardly get to see him and his new bride. He was like, "You're always busy. There is never a time when we talk that you're not busy."

His wife wants four kids too. Only she wants them all 18 months apart.

Lets let that settle in for a minute before I go on.


Ok, moving on. So I say to my brother, "Robbie, you're going to have four kids too one day. Then you'll know what this is like. You can't have four kids and find yourself sitting on the couch thinking about how bored you are!" Heck with one kid you're so much more busy than you ever thought possible.

And my brother, in his infinite-no-child-just-married-for-less-than-three-months wisdom says this to me, "Rachel, I think you and I are going to have VERY different parenting styles."

The nerve.


I'm mostly kidding. I wasn't offended at all. Mostly I was amused. Sure, sure little brother. Just you wait. I'll be over here with the front row seat and the popcorn waiting for you to finally get it.

Because one day you will.

Gosh, being a mom is so much work. Right??? I mean, I am a full-time writer. And a full-time housewife. And a full-time mom. And then on top of that lets throw in all the activities, and church things, and school things, and fun things and dance things.


I like to call myself a Work From Home Mom. Instead of Stay at Home. Get it? I didn't come up with that. Just an FYI. But I like to use it.

Except this week NO work is happening. Absolutely none. I'm full-time mom and nothing more. We had VBX this week. Which is just our churches fancy way of saying VBS. And I taught in Toddler Town. The 2 year olds. We had 14 of them!!!

Let me just say, the first hour was spent in tears. Both the children and the teachers. It would get a little bit better after that... But saying I'm exhausted is a drastic understatement.

We did that every day this week from 8-12. I'm nearly comatose.

Then on top of that it's Recital weekend for us. There are four shows. Stella is in EVERY SINGLE ONE.

We had two dress rehearsals this week that were HOURS long. And then the fun begins tonight with our first show, and three tomorrow.

Three shows in ONE day.

Not to mention I have a meeting tomorrow morning from 8 until I have to race home and do makeup and hair before the first show.

And then I also had an amazing Tuesday night out with the girls for a friends birthday party!

It's been a busy week.

Thank God Zach and I leave Sunday for a few days away!!!! I'm going to need the vacay.

So. Desperately.

But anyway, this week has been nuts. And it's not even over yet.

So while I'm being this full time mom, I'm not doing it exactly the best that I could. It's hard when there is so much going on.

Hell, it's hard when there's nothing going on.

But it's been really, really bad this week.

Like last night. Ok, so Stella had this big dress rehearsal last night. She's six by the way. Going into first grade... That's important to know.

Anyway, we got to rehearsal a little bit after 3:30 and we didn't leave the parking lot until 9:30. I mean, that girl is a trooper.

Granted her last tap dance was a hot mess and she looked like she was sleeping on stage... but I'm not worried about that. I'm planning on giving her Red Bull before the real deal.


Nothing that insane.

Just a cup of coffee.

Just kidding again.

The girl won't drink anything other than water.

Where was I? Oh, right. So on the way to rehearsal I didn't really think through the night so she wore a bra top, which is basically a decorative sports bra, and booty shorts, which are exactly what they sound like they are.

She had four costume changes last night, so I wasn't really thinking through like street clothes. I just wanted to make sure she had every little piece and shoe and bow and pair of tights and whatever else she could possibly need for each costume.

Anyway, we sat through the entire night and then when we could finally leave I realized I HAD to stop at the store. I was out of Stryker's diapers and baby food and all kinds of things that just couldn't wait.

Plus, Zach and I decided we wanted to make Long Island Iced Teas and we had none of the ingredients.

Since I was stopping at the store anyway, I knew I'd be able to pick up what we needed.

So, I pull up to the grocery store, we get out of the car and I realize two things. I have my child with me at now 10pm wearing tights, shortie shorts that barely cover her bum and a sports bra in full makeup and hair AND I'm shopping for an entire grocery cart of alcohol.

Best. Mom. Ever.

Seriously, you would not believe the stares I got!!

Ok, maybe you would believe them.

Not saying they weren't deserved. I mean, the child was wearing EYE LINER while I picked out a bottle of Rum, Tequila, Gin and grabbed a bottle of Sweet and Sour Mix.

At one point we were in the freezer section and my poor, exhausted child broke into hysterical tears because she was cold (I mean, it was three hours past her bedtime and she had just worked out for five hours basically) and I swear people pulled out their phones ready to dial CPS or Super Nanny or something.

It was one of those times where you just want to shake everyone's hands and promise them normally you are a much better mother. Usually. Every other time, besides tonight. This was just a fluke. We never do this any other time.

But you know they all know better.

As well they should. Especially because she collapsed into bed as soon as we got home and then I woke her up just seconds before we had to leave this morning, so she also went to VBS with full make up on too!!!!

And I definitely did not get a chance to explain to her teachers the situation. They probably thought I put makeup on her on purpose.  Like it was my thing, to put makeup on my six year old so she could look pretty for all the boys.

Makeup on my six year old.

As if I thought her beauty needed to be enhanced... Ha!

But it does on stage. Stage lights wash everybody out. That's why it's called STAGE makeup. That's why you wear it!

In case you were judging me for putting it on her in the first place.

Ok, but that's not the point. The point is while I was standing in the checkout with my child-prostitute-looking daughter I read the cover of Star Magazine.

The headline literally said: Mom Report Cards.

Initially I thought, ooooh fun!

And then I actually looked at the cover and this was my literal thought: Star Magazine you dirty, judgmental rat bastards.

Just try sometime to give me a letter grade on how well I mother. I dare you. I will lose my mind.

And the thing of it is, probably most moms are harder on themselves than you could ever be!!! But don't tell us what you think of our parenting styles!!! That is so awful.

Angelina Jolie got an A+. Really? She has like eight kids. I guarantee you, she is not the one parenting. I'm not judging her. She has a career and a passion for her job and she's half of a power couple that practically rules the world. (Although, Team Jen Aniston. She's a husband stealer.) :) She doesn't have time to raise eight kids!!!

Nobody has time to raise eight kids!!!

I don't even have time to raise four!



For real though, if you think she's raising eight perfect kids and has life all figured out and behind the scenes is all roses and rainbows and white furniture and stain-free clothing you are living a delusional existence.

And I mean that in the nicest way possible.

Either there is a nanny per child. Or life for them is as chaotic as it is for the rest of us. That means they don't eat perfect meals every single time. They are not always to bed exactly when they are supposed to be. Probably there is lots and lots and lots of screaming, crying, fighting and shoving that happen hourly. And in the privacy of her own home she doesn't have time to take a shower much less do her hair and put on mascara.

A+. Please.

At a B- was Tori Spelling.

They sighted the fact that she made fun of her kids for crying.

I don't even know what to say to this. Should she make fun of her kids?

Probably not....

Does it happen in every single home across the planet? Probably definitely.

Not that as moms we sit around taunting our children. But let's be real, they occupy 95% of our conversations/thoughts/dreams/air and whether we're telling our own mom's or our husbands or the random clerk in the checkout lanes, sometimes we are as flabbergasted with their behavior as they are with ours and we cannot help ourselves but make a joke at their expense.

It happens to the best of us.

Don't judge Tori.

Especially because she has a child named Scarlett. And if her Scarlett is anything like my Scarlett.... May God grant mercy on her soul.

At the C average was Pink.

I have no idea why they gave her a C. But I love that new song she has out with the guy from Fun. So I'm thinking we shouldn't judge her.

And finally, the lowest of the low, the failure young moms have nightmares of becoming, the scourge of moms everywhere.... Katie Holmes at a solid D-.

Why?? The magazine said it's because Suri gets to stay up until 1am.

Really?? That's the worst a mom can do??

A late bedtime? Listen, I put my kids to bed at 7:30 every night. I like my evenings with my husband to be quiet and "mommy, mommy, mommy!!!!!!!!" free. I also don't mind getting up with them at 7 in the morning when they get up.

But not every mom is like that. Maybe Suri sleeps in. Maybe that was a one time thing/picture and every night Katie puts her to bed by eight with a story, a song and a prayer.

Maybe she's traumatized by stupid magazines who judge her mommy unfairly and has nightmares of the day she'll be featured front and center and her private life picked apart by readers everywhere.

I'm not really this like celebrity advocate or anything. Most of the time I could care less. But for real???

A mommy report card??

Maybe I'm feeling a little defensive. Maybe I'm looking at the makeup I have spread out on my counter, the bottle of intense hair spray I have cocked in my hand, ready to use, the curling iron that's heating up or the fact that yesterday when one of my closest friends said she was thinking about highlighting her young child's hair, I didn't even bat an eye because who am I to judge??? To each their own. It's not going to hurt her. It's probably minimal emotional damage. She's a fantastic mom in every way. If she wants to highlight her child's hair, so be it. It's her prerogative.

I have plenty of my own faults. More often than not my kids are raising me, not the other way around.

We're all just trying to get through this life. We are all just trying to help our kids survive.

Forget raising well-adjusted adults. Forget denying the fact that therapy for my kids is a foregone conclusion.

Motherhood is messy.

And life is messier, which makes motherhood nearly impossible!

We need each other for support. NOT to give us unfair report cards.

Even the celebrities amongst us.

Just know I have your mommy back. Just as long as you have mine.

Wait, before you agree, you should know I'm about to put full stage-makeup on a four year old who has done it so often she hands me the right brushes I need at the right times and if I forget eye liner she is very quick to remind me.

So maybe you can judge me a little.


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