Oh. My. Word.

How is your day going....????

Good?

I hope so.

Because mine has been a whirlwind of craziness and I need to share with you. Like a therapy session kind of share.

First of all, I'd just like to stand up and say, Hello, my name is Rachel and I'm a recovering crazy person.

Yes, yes. It's true.....

And today solidifies everything I think is wrong with me as a mother. Not in the low-self-esteem way... But in the I knew it! I KNEW IT!!! I am always right and I was right about this!!! kind of way....

So this morning I was up, literally up and getting ready by 6:00AM. I don't know if I can cement the point in how rare this is for me.

Like, sometimes I'm up that early, if the kids are... But I'm not REALLY up... I'm like dozing on the couch during cartoons or staring blankly at the coffee pot lost in a daze of sleepiness...

But this morning I was up. And I Was the FIRST one up. Usually Zach beats me to it... He's a total morning person. I mean, he gets up at 6AM, literally sets his alarm on Sundays, just to watch soccer games. He NEVER sleeps later than me.

And today I woke him up!!!

Anyway, enough of my personal achievements....

Besides if you want to know the truth, I was only so wide awake because last night we had these CRAZY thunderstorms... Like they were SO loud and lasted almost all night and so Zach got booted to the couch, whilst the girls sandwiched me in to the most uncomfortable night's sleep ever. And Zach was still exhausted from his terrible night's sleep on the couch, which is why he was slower this morning.

Ah. Kids.

Anyway, back to my insanity of a day. So, we were up so early because Zach's car is still in the shop and Stella has preschool today and we were supposed to be doing laundry today plus I had a doctor's appointment AND I needed to run to the store.

So, we had to take Zach to work.

He works like 45 minutes from our house. Literally on the exact opposite side of the city and as far South out of Omaha as we live North out of Omaha.

It's this whole process where I get the kids entirely ready and then promise them breakfast if they can behave the entire hour and a half round trip to get back to Stella's school in time for Preschool.

Or relatively on time.

Depending on traffic....

So as soon as Stella was dropped off this morning we rushed over to my mom's where I literally threw the laundry in for the first cycle, the kidlets finished breakfast and then I finished getting ready for the day. Because no matter how early I'm up in the morning, it is so dangerous for me to try to apply make-up before 8AM.

Unless I'm trying for the "I just came from the Circus Look." And let's be honest... sometimes I am... :)

Somehow we actually got back out the door and on the road in time to be ON time for my Doctor's Appointment.

It's week 24... In case anyone is interested in how far along I am. And in case you've asked me in the last several weeks and I've replied with.... Um, I don't actually know how far along I am.... But I'm due in August.

Anyway. We arrive at the Hospital, and I grab the stroller from the trunk, get Scarlett out of her carseat. Get Stryker out of his carseat. Move him to the Stroller....

........And I'm covered in poop.

Yep.

My hands, my forearms, the car door is covered in poop... I'm like WHAT THE HECK???????

Stryker's leg was demolished in poop. It leaked out every available space of his diaper!!!! Up the back, out the legs, in the front, in the back... It was awful. And it smelled SO bad.

And you would expect that kind of catastrophe to be like diaherra or something... But it wasn't. It was like normal baby poop. PLUS the diaper wasn't even all that wet.... It is seriously a mystery to me.

And you know what. If you really want a visual. It was exactly like those Luvs commercials where the babys are in that contest on stage and they turn around and have those HUGE blow outs and Luvs is supposed to contain it all... Only this time, Stryker had the winning blowout and Luvs definitely did not capture ANYTHING!!!!

So here's the deal. I'm a mom of my third kid in diapers.... I have a gigantic purse, usually filled with all kinds of supplies, like diapers, wipes, changes of clothes.... Anything and Everything, You name it, I have it!!

But.

Not today.

Oh no. Of course not!!!!

Last night, we ran out of diapers. Well, almost. I had the ONE extra for this morning. And I knew my day would be crazy, but I penciled in Going To The Store For Diapers RIGHT after Going To My Doctor's Appointment.

I knew I wouldn't have time.

We were stopping by my mom's house, so I knew if he pooped in the car during our morning commute I would be able to change him there. And I have been planning on getting a Costco membership ALL week today. And I didn't want to buy diapers UNTIL we went to Costco.

Because hello.

Such a good deal!

Anyway, he was FINE at my mom's. Completely, well, almost completely dry and no poop in sight.

So I forgot about grabbing the extra diaper and since we were doing laundry today I didn't pack an extra outfit because I knew I would be folding all kinds of extra outfits all day!!!

So when I got to the parking lot and found myself elbows deep in a Diaper Fiasco I had no supplies. No backup. Not even enough wipes people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And it was like major panic mode. Because at that point, I'm like what the crap am I going to do???? I can't take him in there like this, can I?? I can't put him back in his carseat, or take him into the store??? What am I supposed to do????

A small sliver of hope dawned on the horizon when I realized I see kids his age in the OB office ALL the time!! Surely, surely, SURELY there would be some giving mom inside the doctor's office who would understand my plight.... Right???

Wrong.

There were NO kids today. None.

And there are always kids.

So, not only did Stryker have to sit through the waiting room, the check-up room, the appointment scheduling and finally the talk with the Insurance Advocate in his poop that kept spreading everywhere...

I couldn't change him because there was literally NOTHING else to put him in!!!

Finally we walked out of the office and I made an executive decision. He was just going to have to go naked.

There was no other way.

I couldn't keep spreading poop everywhere. Plus, I'm pretty sure my hands are permanently marked with that smell.... And I couldn't drag him through the store like that. Especially Costco where the store is ginormous and the bathrooms are forever away.

So. I took us to the bathroom, and used the one wipe I had left after trying to wipe him down earlier, myself down earlier AND the car down earlier. And then used paper towels to finish the job.

For one hot second I hoped the poop had just made his clothes wet and he could still get away with wearing his little one piece outfit. But. Oh. No. The inside of his little onezie thing was CAKED with excrement.... (That makes it sound SO much worse, doesn't it???)

So I stripped the boy down, cleaned him up, left his socks and high top Converse sneakers on. Strapped him back in the stroller, hushed the hysterically laughing Scarlett and swallowed every ounce of pride I have left.

Because let me tell you.

People have NEVER stared at me like they did when I walked out of the Women's hospital with a buck naked 15 month old.

After he was safely.... and very, very carefully strapped into his carseat(I didn't want to damage any of his manhood with the buckle... Yikes! Right??) and Scarlett was in hers, I took off for the nearest Target, thinking at least in Target I can probably get away with ripping open a small bag of diapers and sticking it on him right then and there.

And I had some delusional of still making it to Costco before preschool got out.

Sometimes I get really concerned about my concept of time.

The whole way to Target, I am literally chanting, "PLEASE DON'T PEE!!! PLEASE DON'T PEE!!!!!!! Because with his boy parts who knows how far his reach could have gone in that car....

I seriously imagined getting sprayed in the back of the head, to which I would have DIED if that happened...

But thank the Lord Almighty, it didn't. He didn't. He was dry the whole way.

And even in our mad, crazy-person run to the back of target he stayed dry!!! Woo Hoo for him!!!

He was probably way to freaked out to even entertain the concept since I was all panicked and in a fluster and Scarlett had a billion questions to ask about our adventure.

But we made it. We made it to the diaper aisle and found a small bag of diapers and ripped it right open in the store and slapped it on.

If only he wasn't so darn cute in his hightops and diaper. It was seriously adorable.

And I would have taken a picture of it if I would have left myself with any common sense....

But I didn't.

Which is probably why picking up one outfit in Target turned into a shopping binge for the little boy since I kept reliving the nightmare of having to sprint the length of Target with a toddler on my hip!!!!!

At least the check-out lady (Who was a grandma...) understood. And the customer service guy when I decided to dress him in the exit way....

What a morning!!!!

Don't worry, I did make it back to Costco. We are good with our renewal memembership and Stryker is full dressed with a clean diaper.

Whew.....

One day I'll be a real mom. That actually has my life put together. And remembers things like extra diapers and spare clothes...

One day.

But apparently not today.

And probably not anytime soon.....