Oh dear.

I have an announcement.

A terrible announcement.

A horrible, awful, dreadful, can't-even-believe-it's-real announcement.

(Have I totally freaked you out yet???)

It's not really so serious.

But the truth is..... I have writer's block.

Yep. It's true. And can we just talk about the fact that I previously did not even believe this was a real problem or that it wasn't something a little mental focus and some hard work couldn't overcome????

Yet here I sit. FORCING myself to get through this blog. And I don't get it! It's frustrating. And scary. And.... pathetic....

And I've decided to vent about it. Aren't you excited???? Well, I tried to ignore it... And that didn't work. And I tried to push through it.... And that hasn't worked.

In fact, it's instead left me staring at the computer for hours on end. Even when I try to blog....

So today, I woke up and decided to embrace it. I'm going with the whole 12 step program, and isn't the first step to admit you have a problem.

Well, here I am world, admitting I have a problem. It's a blank brain problem and if anyone can find the missing 11 Steps in my impromptu rehab that would be fantastic.

What really sucks is that I've only been a writer for the last year. Well, a real writer that is selling books. I imagined this to one day, maybe be a problem. But like, far off, in the very, very distant future, when my children were gone and off to college and I had empty days to sit and write. You know, the point of my life when I finally get that dream lifestyle, then, THEN I expected to have a problem. You can't have everything, right?? (Oh, of course I will miss my kids at that point.. Or at least that part is in the daydream, I'm speaking from a strictly professional standpoint!) :)

And USUALLY if I diagnose myself with an issue, I can then recognize the root of the problem and work from there. Seriously, I do that with everything. Anxiety. Depression. Nostalgia. Panic. All of it! If I can find the root, I can move around the issue.

But I've diagnosed myself a million times over here and I can't seem to push passed the problem.

Let's see, we've got pregnancy brain. Which IS a huge contributor to my scatter-brained... brain. Also, included with that is a lack of ability to focus, exhaustion, an abnormal amount of anxiety and the ability to stare off into space and think about nothing for hours on end.

Also, we can throw in bitchiness to that one too, since for whatever reason this pregnancy has made me uncharacteristically short. And not that I can't be bitchy under normal circumstances. But I mean REALLY pissy. Please, feel bad for my family.

Pray for them if you think of it! :)

Still I finished Endless pregnant, and somehow muddled through insane morning sickness and writing and publishing. So I can't blame it on pregnancy because I KNOW it IS possible.

We've also got the fact that I just wrote four books in one year. Ok. Well, I published one book, and wrote and published three others. I mean, that's a lot of writing... Maybe I'm worn out....?

No. I mean, maybe. But not enough to where I couldn't write.... I mean, maybe to the point where I would want to do everything else BUT write. But I've all but given up on TV and I can't even bring myself to read lately. (But that's mostly because I have a deadline looming and it makes me oh, so nervous....)

Besides I KNOW I'm not worn out, because I feel the best when I'm writing. For me, it's that healthiness I need in my life. That escape that grounds me and helps me find myself.

Only this time, I haven't found myself. I've lost myself. Or at least my brain....

There is the issue that maybe I just don't feel connected with this story.... Which is hard to explain. But Eden was such a huge part of who I am. I mean, it was like writing an autobiography.... Well, almost. There are clear differences, but I put a LOT of myself into her to make her real, authentic and genuine. And I'm afraid that Stella doesn't have that. (Stella is the name of my newest heroine.) It's like writing a stranger... And I don't like it. In fact, the whole story line is a stranger at this point.

And it BOTHERS me. But I can't very well keep writing the same heroine and giving her different names....

What really needs to happen, is I need to just get over it and push through. But here's where the Writer's Block is coming into play because I seriously can't.

I'm sure there is a healthy mix of fear somewhere in there too. You know, what if this series sucks...??? And it very well could. But I've always been ok with stories that suck as long as it's exactly what I wanted it to be. As long as I can stand behind it 100% and be proud of the plot I put together, then it doesn't matter what other people think... :) Or at least that's what I like to believe. Like Fearless, I KNEW that book would piss a LOT of people off. But that was part of Eden's journey that had to be told. She couldn't get to the end of Endless without going through Fearless. And it did by the way, piss a lot of people off. As evidenced by the emails I received....

But.... Well.... I don't even know if we're there yet!!!! To the sucky-story part.

Anyway, those are all my symptoms. Still, knowing them just makes me roll my eyes at myself and sigh loudly, in that self-loathing, frustrated way. Even if I stack them on top of each other, there should be something left in this brain to put onto paper. Right???

Wrong. Maybe wrong... I don't know....

So we will see if this book sees May. Or the light of day at all. But we will see.

I did get some writing done last night. And I am armed today with One Dozen Cadbury Mini Caramel Eggs. And I DID get through this blog which is more than I can say happened last week.... As evidenced by the four blogs started and left unfinished.

So. Maybe. Really. Something will get accomplished today. Something will be put down on the page.... SOMETHING just may come out of this head that makes sense and works together toward a finished product.

But we'll see.

I might just end the day three pounds heavier with a concussion from beating it against the wall.... Yikes!!!

This much is clear though, I will be ignoring a house that needs to be cleaned, editing that needs to be worked on, children that need a mother(Ha! That's a joke, by the way...) and Dinner that needs to be planned.....