Oh my goodness. Another Saturday blog. A little out of character for me, but good grief I am so tired I have to do SOMETHING to stay awake.

Zach is still not home from the old camping trip. I am resisting the urge to text him frantically and demand that he count all twenty fingers and toes and report back to immediately on the status of his pending frostbite.

Only because I am not crazy do I keep myself from being the nagging wife.

I am not crazy.

I am not crazy. :)

And I do expect him home any minute, because honestly what is there to do in the middle of nowhere??? Especially in the morning when you've suffered all night long?

I don't know. Honestly, I don't. These questions are better left for the men who participate.

But I'm tired because I was up ALL night long with an almost five year old and growing pains.... Oh, the poor thing!!!

I remember how awful they were for me as a kid. I grew so fast, so young, I'm actually humiliated looking back on pictures in elementary when I literally towered over the boys in my class like Hagrad and Harry Potter. I'm Hagrad. Everyone else is Harry Potter....

So awful.

And so I'm praying, that even though Stella is shooting up faster than I can believe, she does not end up like me, the same height as the teacher in fourth grade....

Although it definitely worked out for me in junior high sports.

But high school came along and everyone else caught up and I stayed the same. So. Then I ended up being Short!!!! Well, not short but just average.

Can you believe that luck?? I was too short to play all the positions I practiced in junior high and it was too late to learn new ones.

What is this? A pity party? I'm just saying, growing pains are THE WORST. And it turns out way harder for the parents who know whats going on, can't stop it from happening and can't even call the doctor because what's the point? There's nothing they can do!

On this side of the nightly vigil, I realize I probably should have put her in a warm tub. But to say it's difficult for me to think coherently during the midnight hours is a severe understatement.

Anyway. I'm nursing my coffee. And I'm blogging, hoping that will do the trick!

So New Years Eve. Shouldn't I be excited about starting a new year, partying till midnight and kissing the hubs at the end of the countdown?

I'm not. Except maybe the kiss part. But I get that regardless of the day or holiday.

I'm not ready for this at all.

Holy Smokes I'm not ready for a new year, or January first or even going out tonight, if we decide to.

The worst of all though, is that I do not have a resolution. And this is a tragedy. Mainly because I take the New Years Resolution VERY seriously. Even though I can't remember my last years, but I was severely pregnant so let's give me a break.

But.

The year before that, my Resolution was to blog. And look how well that turned out!

Also. I do well with Lent. But that's neither here nor there.

So I need a good one. I should probably get to the gym. It SHOULD be get to the gym. But it won't be. I suffer from too high of self-esteem and too big of boobs.

Maybe after my boob job. My pending, future, after the fourth baby, unannounced date and lacking a serious consultation boob job.

So that leaves, well, the rest of the known and unknown universal possibilities to consider. It's overwhelming. But I have ALL day to figure it out.

Right?

Right.

I will however look back on the last year of my life and remember what I've learned. This is of course important for every year of life. 2011 was nearly the hardest year I've lived through yet, but lots and lots and lots of good things happened too. Wonderful things actually. And for all the rest, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!

Amen? Amen.

So, we're going to do a Top Eleven List, in the spirit of putting a close on 2011.

1. The most valuable, the most poignant, the most personal and the most recent of course would be to cherish the ones you love as if every day were your last. My cousin, Bobbi Jo's death was so untimely, unexpected and frankly shocking that it shook me to the core. I live with this crippling fear that something is going to happen to Zach. Really, it is a morbid obsession. I've lost too many people close to me to be naive about death and how fast and sudden it rips life from this world. But what I never consider, (Why? Because I have a Peter Pan complex....) is that I could be the one taken from my family. What would Zach do? What would my children do? Who would do Stella's hair and ride Scarlett's mood swings with her and drive the girl's to dance and snuggle with Stryker and spoil Zach? It's awful to think about. I've always joked that if I knew I was dying I would set Zach up on eHarmony and screen candidates, hoping to find the perfect one before I left him. But what if I don't get the chance and he's too stubborn just to go ahead and marry the first nice girl that comes along and figure out how to love her later? Anyway, this is off point. What I meant to share is that every day is important. Every day is meaningful. And I need to remember what comes first always.

2. How to get red dye out of a load full of laundry that took a turn for the worse. I didn't even know this was possible! But it is, and there's all KINDS of products for it. For a girl who LOATHES laundry, this product is a MIRACLE. And probably the person who invented it is Sainted in Heaven, sitting at the right hand of God. Now what they need is a product to regrow the shrunken items that I seem to be collecting..... Or maybe this lesson should be titled, as soon as I can afford it I'm paying an expert to take care of our clothes....

3. I learned a lot in writing this year. Having published three books and working with a brilliant editor, I learned a LOT about grammar. Things I should probably have known in high school, but didn't. And not because of my English Teachers, believe me, they tried. Things like, do you know that it's very bad to put an adverb after a dialogue description? Such as "He said sweetly." That is considered bad. But. That rule can suck it, because I do it ALL the time!!!! I also learned the difference between Thrown and Throne. Not that I didn't KNOW it before, but I type too fast to pay attention, so now I recognize it. All sorts of stuff like that. Compliment vs. Complement. Discreet vs. Discrete. Past vs. Passed. (Although, let's get real, I'm still a little fuzzy in some cases, but that is WHY I have an editor.)

4. The Generosity of Others. This is one of the biggest lessons of my life, and not just the year. And believe me, every time the lesson is given, it is humbling and awe-inspiring. There were months in the last year when I swear we only survived because of others selfless generosity. And my prayer in life is that I give as openly and freely to others as they did to me. Actually, my prayer for the last two years was that I would learn to be gracious with everything. And then we didn't have anything to be gracious with. There was no way for me to offer anything. And that was a harder lesson, believe me. But through it, I learned to accept generosity. I received grace and now moving forward I pray that I can be that to others.

5. How to cook a pretty darn good roast chicken. Before I was so careful with our food budget, I used to buy Chicken breasts and cook those only. Well, stinking chicken breasts are outrageously expensive. What is not expensive is Whole Chicken Fryers. And let me tell you, I can make a pretty darn good one that will have you licking your fingers and asking for more. And for my hubs who prefers red meat on the grill, and now begs for my roast chicken, that's a pretty high complement.

6. How to be a mom to three little ones. Not that I do it perfectly, or well at all.... Shoot, we're nearly hours late to EVERYTHING. But I can get them all bathed and dressed some days. They're all fed and seem relatively happy. Although, the long term effects of my parenting have yet to be discussed in any therapy sessions.... But, all in all, I've got three amazing little kidlets. And they all call me Mommy. So we're doing something right.

7. How to change a freshly circumcised baby boy's diaper. I may be a married woman, but let's get real, that was ALL new territory to me!!!

8. All kinds of formatting tricks!!! And although I LOATHE formatting as much as LOATHE laundry, I still know how to do it. I know how to get rid of all the tabs in a word document, and indent using a manual option. I know how to create a new center option and apply it to that document. I'm not a genius by any means, and more often than not I sit there pissed off and cursing the computer, but I get the job done. And that is a miracle in itself.

9. I learned how to Tweet. Oh, good lord, I'm a Tweeter. And I can't even take myself seriously. I don't know the proper etiquette AT ALL. Because, oh yes, there's etiquette. When do you retweet????? That's where I'm stuck right now. Is it flattering to Retweet someone's Tweet? Or do people just do it as a form of publicity? I have NO idea. And I feel like a schmuck every time I log on to the thing. But I do it anyway. Part of living life is facing your fears and if my fears of life revolve around Twitter, good Lord, I better buck up and face them.

10. I learned. Relearned. Remembered violently. Whatever you want to call it.... That I still HATE mushrooms. HATE them. I can't look at them, smell them or touch them without shuddering, cringing and gagging. They are just awful. The worst. And I could never, ever, ever be in contact with another mushroom again and I would be so just fine with that!!!

11. And finally. This lesson came as a piece of advice I gave to an engaged dear friend of mine. And I can't say this lesson is necessarily learned. But it so happened that I found myself giving her a piece of advice that I am SURE did not actually come from me and after I said it had to sit back and go, ok, um, that's pretty good Rachel. Maybe you should follow you're own advice. Which I have been trying to. Reminding myself of constantly. And hoping I learn this lesson the old, carefully-through-nice-and-easy way, which almost all good lessons are never learned..... Anyway, and this originally applied to the bedroom... ahem.... but I've since adapted it as a universal motto. Also, it might not be anything life-changing to you, but for me, I am afraid of everything. Everything. And hate change and new situations and well, really, life and people in general. Ok that's not entirely true, and I'm not really giving myself enough credit but bare with me. So here it is: Don't EVER do only what you're comfortable with. And the choir of angels sings. :) But seriously, yes, have a moral compass, know what you inherently believe is right and wrong. But do not sit in the comfort of life stagnant and never grow. Oh this resounds loudly in my head. What I've learned is that fear is natural, healthy even, and unavoidable. But if I let it cripple me, than nothing happens. Nothing. And I want something to happen. To sum it up, I have this quote posted by my computer, while I write. Writing for me is very, very, very personal. Eden is nothing more than an exaggerated version of myself and for me to expose that to the world, whether one person or one million persons read it, is terrifying. So this is what I tell myself. "Be without fear. This is impossible, but let the small fears drive your rewriting and set aside the large ones until they behave- then use them, maybe even write them. Too much fear and all you'll get is silence." -AL Kennedy And that my friends can be applied to all life.

Oh my. That's just a list of eleven. Imagine if I would have taken the time to dissect the whole year.

Granted there is still a LOT to learn. I don't know how to change a tire, or check my oil. I can't for the life of me figure out how to make a GOOD cup of coffee. I didn't learn anything musical this year and that bothers me. Unless you count every single word to Someone Like You as growing my musical ability..... I still don't quite get what it means to be a dance mom, I'm not sure how to go about volunteering in preschool and I still haven't mastered the art of keeping my mouth shut when it should be and opened only when it is asked to be.

Ah. But such is life.

And those all sound like very, very, VERY good 2012 Resolutions.

I have almost a whole year to master those resolves. All the way up to 12/12/12 when in fact the world will end.

You heard it here first folks.

Oh wait....