Fear Factor

Here is the good news. It's early. And I'm awake. And I'm feeling pretty good about it!!!

Yesterday, I was like blogging in the afternoon and still nodding off. Yesterday I was exhausted!!!! So I'm happy, I am making it through today. So far.

We've actually been up for a very long time this morning.

It snowed just the tiniest bit, not even enough to make it a true White Christmas, not really anyway. But still, Zach had to go into work at like four in the morning, in case any of his properties were slick or what not.

So he was up at 4.

Stella, independently was up at 4:30 because she had to go potty and then wanted to sleep with me, which at the time, I didn't care because Zach was out of bed.

That was until Stryker woke up at 4:45 wanting to eat. Which is JUST ridiculous since he doesn't go back to sleep after he eats.

And then Scarlett was up at 5:30.


Because that's what Scarlett does in the morning. She screams.

I'm not going to lie, she also hates me in the morning. She prefers Zach, so if he's ever not there immediately to deal with her, we have issues.

Can you imaging what high school is going to be like for her and me?????

If you wouldn't mind, please start praying now. Thanks, so much.

So now, I'm just waiting away the hours until it's a decent enough time to head over to my mother's for laundry. The dreaded laundry.

Last night, I had a dream that I hired someone to do it for me. Well, ok, moment of truth, it was probably more like a fantasy.... :)

And then I woke up and was smacked in the face with reality and left to do my own laundry.

I will survive. I will survive. I will survive.


Of course I will. Even though I was up super late last night and I am surprised I'm doing so well this morning. I mean, as we all know, I'm no spring chicken anymore.

And last night, I was out to the ungodly hour of..... midnight.


It's amazing Zach can put up with these late hours of mine.... Just kidding!!! But seriously, that is so late to me now!!

Something terrible must have happened to me.... Like I got old. Ugh.

But anyway, last night I met my dearest sister-in-law, Kylee, at Village Inn for Pie Night.

Ah, glorious pie night, buy something, anything, including a $1.99 cup of coffee and receive two pies for free. Well, that's not technically how it works, but we had a fantastic server last night. Which is saying a lot for Village Inn!! And I mean, if you buy one cup of coffee, they give you the whole darn pot, so Kylee and I were able to talk the night away AND enjoy some free pie.

She is such a sweetheart. And truthfully, my sounding board! So I was able to talk through the ending of Endless with her and get a reaction from her.

I need feedback. Desperately. On a daily, hourly, almost minute by minute, word by word basis. (If someone could just stand over my shoulder and say things like, "Yes, go ahead and write the word, "the" there, I think that's a brilliant place for it! That would be just fantastic, thanks!!!)

I'm not insecure by nature. Although, not that long ago, a woman whom I greatly respect did sit me down and ask why I always take "little digs" at myself. She made it sound like a lack of confidence.

Believe me, it's not a lack of confidence!!!!

It's this. I know exactly who I am. Good and bad. And I'm honest about both.

Most of the time.

Although, I think there are definitely times when everyone likes to hide some of the stuff they're bad at. In general I'm pretty up front about exactly who I am. And even if I deliver whatever it is that sounds like a dig as a joke, that doesn't mean I feel bad about it.....

Like I said, I'm not very insecure.

Except in two areas of my life. Two. And it's to the point where I am so irritated by both of them, I could spit.

The first area is in friendships. Which, I don't know why because I was so secure in my friendships in high school, but there has been a lot of life in between then and now and girls can be.... well, girls can be girls. Thank the Lord, I'm too old for that stuff now!! And I have the most amazing friends!!!! Seriously. That's a fact.

But I got damaged along the way. And now I'm insecure. And now it's irritating. And don't you dare go, Aw, you poor thing, because really, it's not like that!!!!

If anything, you should be like, Rachel, Cowboy up! It's definitely time to get over this!!! And I would 100% agree.

The other thing I'm obnoxiously insecure about is... my writing. Oh, good grief. It's awful. And embarrassing. And pathetic.

Really, it's awful.

Oh good grief. And it's this long drawn out process of where I start out absolutely loving whatever it is that I'm writing and then I spiral into this complete panic mode and can't define up from down and manage to look like a complete CRAZY person in the meantime.

And then I make everyone around me bananas.

And after I hit publish, the real craziness sets in.

Zach, I'm pretty sure, would prefer to check me into a mental health facility during these insecure moments. I mean, just for a week or two, until the initial shock of publishing a book wears off.

And not just because I drive him crazy. He wants a professional in there, watching me. :) (Please here the sarcasm...)

I have to get to the point where I'm Ok with people hating what I write, as long as I'm proud of it. But that isn't a natural reaction of mine. I'm too close to it. I'm too connected. It's this very direct connection to me. It's like a child almost.

The hardest part about all of it is that usually I pride myself in thinking logically and objectively. I, in normal circumstances, try to always take a step back and look at issues or problems, or decisions or whatever from a completely objective viewpoint. This can get annoying if you want an emotional response from me. Like, you say, I hate this girl because she did this to me. And I'm all arguing, well, she probably was thinking this because she has this going on in her life and her parents are like this so that probably had this kind of effect on her and she went through this as a child and so now she views life this way. I mean, seriously.... What's wrong with me???

But my writing, I keep way too close to my heart, so that at the end of it, I'm panicking and Zach who is also objectively minded will ask me, "Well, do you think it's good, because that's all that matters."

And I will think about it, but have absolutely no idea. I'm too close to it. It's as simple as that. I can't look at it objectively, or rationally, or logically.

It's probably the biggest gamble in my life, after getting married of course, :) And I do NOT gamble. I rarely do anything where I can't see the exact outcome, or at least the two possible outcomes and I've come to terms with both.

Anyway, it makes me terribly insecure.

So Kylee and I started a tradition called Panic Parties. Where we get together, when things in our lives are becoming overwhelming and we talk about everything and offer advice, and laugh, and cry. Well, ok, we don't cry. Neither one of us likes to cry in front of other people.... But mostly we panic.

We say out-loud ALL of our fears. We name them.

And then they're not so scary.

And at the end of the night, we can breathe again.

It's how I survive.

Well, I'm like that with everything. You know how terrified of just every little thing I am. So I am a huge advocate for naming your fears. It's easy to be afraid of everything. It really is. Like, of life in general. Or of situations, or parties, or people, or the great unknown.

And being afraid of all that is overwhelming.

But when you put a name to your fear. When you pinpoint it, that's when you can overcome it. You shrink it in essence from becoming as wide as the universe, to one word. And you can conquer one word.

I make my kids do this all the time, because unfortunately, especially Stella, inherited my irrational fear of life. So we name her fears and then we can explain them.

It's not for everybody though.... I recently tried to help a friend name her fears. And by that, I mean, I kind of named them for her. And I really think it backfired.....

It was of course about her relationship, because generally I think I'm Dr. Laura and have all the answers to everyone's relationship problems. It doesn't matter that I've only ever dated one guy and I ended up marrying that same guy. Clearly, I'm an expert.

But just because I'm ready to name fears, and can call them from a million miles away because I do this all the time, doesn't mean other people are.

I'm pretty sure I shocked her. Like, not just like, "Oh my word, what a shock!!!!" I mean, like made her catatonic. She probably turned into Brittany Murphey, sitting on the edge of the bed, with fingers in the air, typing on an imaginary keyboard, singing, "I'll never tell.... I'll never tell...."

That's what I get for opening my mouth when I shouldn't.


Oh good grief. So. Sorry about that!!!!!!

Well, anyway, now that I've turned the Old Blog into Dear Diary, I think it's time to get this day started. Don't mind the crazy....


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