Apocalypse Now


All aboard.

Because this Crazy Train is about to leave the station....

Coo Coo Ca Choo.

Seriously. Yesterday I took the girls to the mall to have a picnic and play. It has definitely not been warm enough for us to enjoy the outdoors with Stryker, but we all have Spring Fever.

Something had to be done.

And while I was there I met myself in 40 years the craziest lady. First let me just say that, by my own doing it is almost impossible to meet me at a play area. I am usually with a friend already or I have barricaded myself in next to the shoe rack, behind my double stroller and on the other side my overly large and messy diaper bag. My walls are impenetrable.

Such was the case yesterday.

I was not going to have the awkward mom conversations that go on in those places. I was there to enjoy some thinking time, while my children were gloriously pre-occupied.

But this lady, comes out of no where whilst I was in the middle of packing up and just starts talking. And talking. And.... Talking.

About stuff even I thought was crazy: Wars with the Mexican Drug Cartel (But then I got home to share my story with Zach and he informs me that that wasn't crazy. Our border towns are all run my Mexicans who prefer to decapitate people and put heads on sticks and Americans are in serious danger down there. Geesh.), but that wasn't all, she talked to me about all of the "Illegals" already here, Bringing back the Draft, Nebraska's Education System and the fact that she was like 65 and had an 11 year old son....

Ok, in her defense, nothing that she was saying was particularly on the crazy side, but the way she was saying it, with her condescending eyes and tone full of bitterness and gentle rage and side pony tail scrunchy made me look around at the other moms, and beg for help with my eyes!

I also, had this sick, deep seeded temptation to go crazy back, playing the Liberals Advocate, because this lady was conservative to the core.

I didn't.

That was too cruel even for me.

Anyways. That was just a story. Besides I can call her crazy, because lets be honest it takes one to know one in this scenario.


So at home, away from the mall and the influence of others, Zach and I have been having a lot of conversations about what happens when this currency (The US Dollar) fails. Like its supposed to. We are kind of on the brink of economic destruction.

Well, that's at least what every one is saying.

And its scary.

I mean I'm scared.

Of course Zach and I view the destruction of America completely different. He sees a stable country able to steer through tumultuous and daunting times. He totally believes we will bounce back. That there is nothing to be afraid of. And kind of tells me not to panic on a daily basis.

That's because my vision is a little different.

I turn on the radio, or TV or look at the stock market, housing market, or Federal Reserve just printing, printing, printing, printing meaningless money and I envision I Am Legend meets The Book of Eli with dangerous, motorcycling marauders and a primitive barter system where people buy like hair and internal organs in exchange for batteries and cigarettes.

Pretty accurate, I feel like....

Anyways. I've been thinking about it so much that I've even started to dream about it. The other day I dreamed it was a nuclear holocaust and Zach and I were driving all over the place (Where we got gas in a Nuclear Holocaust is beyond me. It was a dream.) trying to find Scarlett appropriate dance clothes for her recital.

Obviously my priorities are in the right order.

I'm definitely going a little crazy.

And because of that, I decided to let the crazy out and blog about it.

Who better to share my not so sane thoughts with than the relatively unknown, unerrasible universe?

And in my general style of not taking anything seriously, (Ahem, please don't take any of this serious!!!) I have compiled a couple of top ten lists for you.

Top Ten Reasons Why The Apocalypse Would Suck

1. I believe this to be the most obvious and truly horrible reason of all. Eventually all of the eyeliner and hair product would run out. At least the supply of it I would have looted at the beginning of the end of the world. And when that happens, there will be no other choice but for me to turn into a frizzy haired, tired looking middle aged hag. I promise. It will be a bad, bad, day.

2. Gas is bad now. I just paid forty dollars for ten gallons of gas with 10% ethanol and then threw up. It was horrible. But what will it be like then? I of course, won't have the resources to beg, borrow, or steal it and therefore be stuck forever on my already isolated island of solitude.

3. What would I do without reality TV? Eventually everything will run its course and stop working, right? And surely reality TV will be one of the very first things to go. What will happen to my Real Housewives? My Next Top Models? Top Chef Contestants and Future Fashion Designers????? I'll never know.

4. I'd have no choice. No. Choice. But to become an early riser. That's right, that dreadful morning person. Of course when electricity finally stops working the whole family will start going to bed with the sun and waking up with it. Dang it. No more sleeping in. It really is the end of the world.

6. Along the same lines.... I would totally have to learn how to grow a garden. Awesome.... I don't know if you know this about me, but I don't have a Green Thumb. I have a Black Thumb. Like a frostbitten, purplish-black thumb that if it comes into contact with anything of the living variety it instantly brings a plague of death. Ask the fifty or so goldfish that once considered themselves my pets.

7. If I can't text, does that mean I will have to learn how to talk on the phone? Maybe I'll bring the Smoke Signal back. Be on the lookout for my How To Use The Modern Smoke Signal Tutorial. I'll send you the invite via Carrier Pigeon.

8. My blog would be done. Finished. Kaput. And then nobody, Nobody would have a reason to live for. It would be the end of society as a whole.

9. What happens to the manufacturing of Birth Control in the event of an Apocalypse? Surely it would be a very low priority if the powers at large were trying to salvage the human race. So you know I would end up with like sixteen kids and referring back to number three, there wouldn't even be a reality show to fall back on!

10. And finally. Suddenly Homeschooling would be my only option. I'd have to make our own clothes, ration our food, learn how to shoot a gun, chop wood, cook over an open fire, perform surgery, deliver babies at home, on my own, in like the field, and pull my own teeth.  Gosh the end of the world sounds like a lot of work.

Oh wait, that's probably what my future holds anyways.....

Depressed yet?

I am.

So. Every Downside, needs an Upside.

Top Ten Reasons an Apocalypse Would Be Awesome!

1. I would definitely catch up on my reading.

2. I could stop feeling guilty about not using my college degree and not having a job.

3. Even playing field. Everybody would have bad teeth. I wouldn't feel like such a loser, and maybe, just maybe my terrible teeth would somehow be used to terrible conditions and prevail.

4. I would finally be able to put all of the stuff I learned in Romania, and Sri Lanka to good use. Like washing clothes by hand, avoiding wild dogs and surviving malaria. Boom.

5. Suddenly. I would be fashionable. In times like the End of The World, Gypsy-Chic totally trumps Haute-Couture.

6. If I have to be around when the country starts from scratch there is a definite possibility to be on the new currency. I'll take the ten dollar bill. Definitely a popular item and not too flashy.

7. You would stop thinking this blog was so crazy.

8. I would stop thinking this blog and the person writing it was so crazy.

9. I won't have to worry about calling Stella's friend from preschool and asking if the child and the mom whom I have never met would like to come over to my house for a playdate. Whew. Awkward Moments Avoided!

10. And Finally. I would never have to stand in line in the Wal-Mart Check Out Line AGAIN!!!!! Whoo. Hoo.

Please you know you'll be right there with me, carrying your semi-automatic doing your job as an American and Human Being to loot those babies and provide via theft for your family.


Told you I was crazy.



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1 comment:

  1. Lol!!!!! Lulu just asked me, "Mommy why are you laughing at your computer?" Baby... because Rachel is crazy. So crazy. You thought your momma was crazy? No ma'am! Haha I love you and your crazy thoughts!!! :)