Deck the Blogs

Ok, so I totally blogged yesterday, but thanks to a freak(And by freak, I mean frequent out here...) power outage, I didn't have power/internet so I literally had just gone to publish it and couldn't.

I think this was an act of God.

It was pretty depressing. The blog I mean. The blog was depressing. I'm not kidding you, I think I would have had calls of concern from the three people who read this thing.

It's been a rough week. And by rough I mean awful. Like the kind where you're afraid to go to your hotmail account because all you want is good news and you know you're not going to get it! Yea, that kind of week.

Plus, don't get me started on these pregnancy hormones and how out of control and weepy I am over the dumbest stuff.

So put all of that together, mix it up and you have a blog on how I think Therapy sounds like the most wonderful thing to happen to mankind since fire.

Like I said, it was pretty pathetic!

So before someone calls CPS, demanding that I legally be forced to go to therapy I better trash can yesterdays and focus on the bright and shiny new morning that is today!

I feel much better anyways.

TGIF for real because I can finally leave this hell hole of a week.

Tonight we are doing something that I usually LOVE to do. And I am excited for it tonight, don't get me wrong, but usually I have more feelings.

Tonight is Zach's company's Christmas party.

This is seriously something I usually look forward to every single year, like starting two months out.

I don't know why. Maybe because it's usually the first Christmas party we go to and I feel like it really starts off the season. And usually they pick like a super cool place. And there's always lots of booze. And his company has remained relatively small so everybody knows everybody. Although that's kind of changing now. I don't know everybody. At least not the newer landscapers. And we play games and I love, love, love being competitive. Sometimes the games piss me off a little though because how am I supposed to know the names of landscape clients when my husband deals solely in lawn care? Or if we play pictionary, I'm sorry I don't know how to draw a Skid Loader.

One year, I got Weed Eater. So, and I'm kind of proud of this..... I drew a giant weed, being eaten by a giant mouth. Weed. Eater.

We one that round.


And there's cash prizes.

It has all of the makings of an excellent time.

Plus, lets be honest, we all know under normal circumstances I love, love love the awkwardness of those events and the small talk and the weirdness of it all.

Under normal circumstances.

Those being when I'm not pregnant.

So, thanks to the bun in the oven that's ready to burst I've retreated into my introvert bubble afraid of human kind and lately the city in general.

I haven't left my house since Tuesday night and that was literally to only run to the bank, I never got out of my car.

I'm still excited for tonight, plus like I said this is the first Christmas Party. That in itself is exciting. And after the nightmare of a week we've had around this house, I am just SO excited to have a babysitter(Thank you SO much mom!) and get out on the town with my hubby. On someone elses dime.


I've got work to do though.

I look like I've been living on a farm. Hell, I look like I've been working on the farm, living out in the hayloft in the barn and using the nearby creek to bath in, since it's frozen you can assume how well that's gone.

Side note: We neither have a Hayloft, nor a nearby Creek, those were just tools to aid in the analogy.

I mean eyebrows meet tweezers. That's going to take some work. What do you use a Weed Eater for again? Maybe that would be more prudent.

Fingernails? They are going to need some serious TLC. Thanks to a baby that won't let them grown beyond my fingertips they are constantly breaking and chipping. It's scary. Very. Scary.

Toenails? Oh, I'm SURE they are in desperate need of some good good lovin'. If only I could see them. Or reach them. Or was any good at painting them even when I wasn't pregnant!

Don't even get me started on what I think I'm going to wear tonight. I have no options. I'm a month out people. A month from giving birth. To say I'm at my most humongousest is the polite way to say it. I don't even know why my face looks like the Marshmallow Monster from Ghostbusters! I haven't gained any weight! How on earth does one explain the lack of eyes and cheek bones thanks to the water weight I am holding from temples to double chins? Not to mention I have a boulder hanging out in front of me. Like the kind that rolls down mountain sides and crushes semi's. That kind of boulder. And I don't even want to talk about my boobs. If they still fit into a bra, into a shirt, into this house I could at least be grateful. But people, they are a menace to society.

A menace.

But the worst of it. The worst of it all is my hair.

Are you surprised? No. And you shouldn't be.

But its' worse than normal. First of all, it's SUPER long. Longer than I've ever had it. When it's wet and straight it goes past the ta-tas. When it's curly, somewhere a foot higher than that under normal circumstances.

Unfortunately I am giant cheapo. And so the last time I needed to buy product I went for the cheapest.


Folks, I can't even explain to you the level of frizzy craziness that sits on top of my head. It's down right scary.

In fact, when Zach got home from work last night, he looked at me and said, "Whoa!"

I scare my own husband.

So picture this tonight. When everyone else looks their best. Including all of the other women and wives. (Seriously I doubt Zach's bosses wives weigh over 100 lbs. They are gorgeous.) And the only other pregnant woman going to be there is like six foot and a marathon runner so she of course shows now weight gain... Where I haven't even gained weight yet show it everywhere! But anyways, I'll be there in all of my puffed up Koolaid man glory with frizziness rivaling a curly haired porcupine, with bushy eyebrows (Think Ann Hathaway in Princess Diaries BEFORE the make over) and jagged nails and a giant, over-sized wiggly sumo wrestler of a baby sticking out the front of me.

Pretty much the picture of real beauty.

And forget having normal conversations. I'm so stinking emotional I'll probably be bursting into tears when I lose games or have conversations about the weather. Also there's no way on this green earth that I'm going to remember every one's names or if I've already said hi to them.


Didn't I say I was looking forward to tonight?

Oy. I guess there's only one thing left to do. Lie about my marriage and finagle my way on to BridalPlasty. Have you seen that show?

I used to think how vapid and shallow.

But right now I'm thinking that is the Best Idea Ever!!!! (Quadruple Exclamation marks. I must mean it.)


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1 comment:

  1. rachel you are hilarious-and i kind of wish we were going to the greenlife Christmas party as well!