Ok. I'm back.

Are you even still there?

Holy Cow was I not gone forever? Plus no warning. Plus there was like no sign of me ever coming back.

Yikes.

I fail.

Well, here's what happened.

Our computers(that's right, we have two.) are broken. Both of them. And so, I use the one upstairs only the summer has made it impossible for me to really find time when it is open and sit down and write.

I know. Excuses, excuses!

Plus, I know how important this blog is to you. I understand how it shapes your entire day and without my precious written words you feel lost and confused!

Well feel confused NO LONGER, because I'm back baby!

Ahem.

I needed to get that out of my system. Let's all take a moment to roll our eyes and laugh cynically at the words above and then continue our reading.

I did miss this though.

Because really when it comes down to it, the Blog is an outlet for me to express myself. Find my individuality and discover the true, inner, deep Rachel.

Again, if you need to laugh, feel free. We all know I'm on the more shallow side of humanity. But if there's any depth people, this is where I'm going to find it.

That and Diamonds. Let's talk about Africa. Diamond Slaves. The materialistic market that drives prices through the roof and enslaves small children to evil drug lords forcing them to become addicted to the worst kinds of drugs and digging for unconscionable hours for pretty little gemstones for pretty little fingers hoping to find marital bliss, when 2 out of 3 of them end in divorce anyways and that same diamond that 8 year old cocaine addict dug for days to find is now sitting in a pawn shop, clearanced out and pretty little fingers has moved on to the next diamond and the next douchebag.

Take a breath.

I'm really not that cynical about marriage. That, up there, I suppose is what I would call dramatic effect.

(And as a disclaimer, if you have or own diamonds I do not by any means judge you. This is a personal choice. There are blood free diamonds definitely. As long as you don't believe consumerism is what drives the market and the desperation African Drug Lords have for finding diamonds. And that there is absolutely no such thing as Smuggling and/or the Black Market.)

Ok. TOTALLY KIDDING. Seriously, Seriously believe I don't judge anyone!!!! Like I said, this is a 100% personal choice. One that Zach fully supports.

Ha.

Anyways, I don't even know how I got started on that topic. Yikes.

Oh and I should be honest. That whole 2 out of 3 marriages thing was totally pirated from Eclipse. So.... Since my fact checking comes from the worst movie franchise ever known to mankind, I am not entirely sure you should quote me on that one.

That's right. I said it. THE WORST MOVIE FRANCHISE EVVVVVVVVVVVVER.

Listen people. I liked the books. I read the books. I read the books before they were popular. I read them twice. (Thanks to Kylee who is always ahead of the times when it comes to literature.) And I am not afraid to say that I loved them. I used to love them.

But Still, I Loved them.

(Of course now, don't even get me started on how much I hate Bella and what a terrible influence on an entire generation of girls she is. Not to mention Stephenie Meyer the Great Mormon Prophet holding all of her book signings in Mormon Tabernacles. "Come inside young and impressionable girls and meet the most influential person of your life. Oh while you're here, why don't we baptize you in our super secret ceremony and send you out on a few missionary door to door trips.")

Ok, maybe her book signings aren't that bad. Maybe.

But I'll tell you what is bad. Those movies!

Think of this as like a little Top Ten List of me trying my hat at movie critic. Watch out world!

One. Kristen Stewart. Seriously. What were you thinking? I mean. Seriously. I just can't even wrap my head around it. For Pete's Sake sober the girl up and slap some eye-liner on her. You don't have her walking around in the scrunchie and home-schooled skirt Stephenie Meyer did, so why on earth does she have to look stoned the entire series?

Two. Rob Pattinson. No, he is not hot. No he's not. Stop thinking he is because you're just in love with Edward. Rob Pattinson looks like he should be playing for the Werewolf Team. (Does that sound Homo-Erotic to anyone else?)

Three. Put those two together and it makes for boring-terribly-acted-awkward-awful-TV.

Four. Jasper? Who told him to act like that? He is ridiculous. No. I'm sorry. The poor guy is constipated. Seriously! Send him a gift basket of laxatives and let the boy lose the whole oil-can-deficient-tin-man-thing he's got going on.

Five! The actresses who play both Rosalie and Alice are really, really, really pretty girls in real life. What happens when they step on set for the Twilight Saga? They uglify them. That's what happens. They turn those poor, innocent, aspiring actresses into ugly, awkward, glittering puppets with abnormal cue lines and poorly written dialogue.

Six. If they needed blonde actors and actresses why didn't they just hire them? I'm talking to you Carlisle and Rosalie. You're wigs need adjusting!

Seven. Harry Potter is a fantastic adaption from book to movie. AMAZING. Incredible. I cannot say enough good things about those movies. The special effects are flawless and the screen plays so true to the book. That being said. I think Twilight was given a four dollar special effects budget and the screen plays were written by a third grader. (Let's go, Spider Monkey.)

Eight. You're three best actors are Charlie, Billy and Jacob. And only one of those has a main speaking part. I suppose you could throw in the Volturi. Dakota Fanning is pretty bad ass. But they make all of a three minute appearance. And in the end Bella chooses like the fool she is and Jacob falls in love with a baby!

Nine. And this pertains to both the movie and the book. There needs to be a follow up PSA or After School Special warning girls that in real life when you pressure a guy to have sex with you he doesn't say NO! Who in their right mind writes a book to young girls telling them that the institution of marriage is dead, that abstinence is out-dated and that the boy of your dreams is not only controlling, over-protective, asks you to lie to your parents all of the time, and when it comes right down to it, when you're alone in his bedroom, making out on his four poster bed on his silky satiny sheets he is going to be the one that asks you to put your clothes back on. A little cynical? Harsh on the male sex? Um, this is the same generation that starts Sex Ed in second grade and makes Pregnancy Pacts. This is the same generation with Miley Cyrus and KE$HA for role models(Granted I like them, but I am a Sexually Active adult. I've graduated college, gotten married and had two kids. I get to like them. It's my earned right as a grown adult.). This generation has enough problems, at least write something that challenges their moral compass into becoming a better version of itself!

And Finally.

Ten. You have the fan base. The merchandising base. The bottom line is: You have MILLIONS. So man up, fire your film school producers, keep a director around for more than three months, throw some money at the freaking franchise and do those damn books some f-ing justice.

Whew. Still with me?

Ok all that being said. I still stood in line with my sisters-in-law and saw the stupid thing at midnight.

And I liked it.

I did.

It is not even comparable to the first two movies. Oh my word. It is in a different class all together! They finally found a director worth his pay check. But they'll probably lose him too and Breaking Dawn will have more of the same old Twilight Magic that makes me embarrassed to watch it. Alone. In my living room.

But this one, in Kylee's words, "I could buy. Maybe." I doubt I'll buy. I don't even buy movies I really like. But I would rent it. Or Netflix it. Or turn to it if I noticed it on HBO.

Anyways, if you're a fan of the book, this one isn't so disappointing.

And if you're a fan of Romance, well, there's a WHOLE lot of kissing in this one.

And if you're noticing how grumpy I am today. Well, I guess that's what the Midnight Showing and a 7 AM wake up call does to me!

Well at any rate, it's good to be back! :)