I Wish I Was A Blogger

"I wish I was a little bit Taller. I wish I was a Baller. I wish I had a girl that looked good I would Call Her. I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a 64 Impala."

Kristen and I were totally reminiscing about that song the other night. Our husbands totally could not understand.

Well, it started with me rapping the lyrics of that Montell Jordon song, you know, "It's Friday night and I feel alright, the party's here on the Westside...."

And neither boy knew what I was talking about! But what can you expect from an OCA graduate and a homeschooler. Hahaha. I'm just kidding.

Kind of.

Oh and I have an update. So yesterday. Ugly Day. Um. Yea. We get to AJ's school(AKA Dora's Escuela) and usually there is only a class outside for recess. That is what I was expecting. That is what I had decided was the appropriate amount of social interaction to contend with Ugly Day. BUT yesterday was not the normal class out for recess. Yesterday was some kind of Parent Day! Where the entire school yard was packed with children and their parents! And there I am, not even wearing the appropriate clothing dropping AJ off at a school where all of the pre-school parents want to meet her, ask me if this is AJ and assume I am her legal guardian! Ugly Day came back to seriously bite me in the ass.

Shoot. It was not a pretty sight.

So I totally have an announcement.

I quit being a grownup. Seriously, I'm done.

I am tired of making my own decisions, having responsibility and being responsible for others, and most of all I'm tired of having grown up friends. Sorry, for those of you who know you fit into that category.

But seriously, I'm done.

I already live with my mom, so thankfully I won't have to move back in. But other steps towards de-evolving include no more grocery shopping, no more making dinners, I will be re-enrolling back in OCA like I'm some 100 year old vampire(Ok, but isn't that what they all do. They go back to high school? I can't blame them, they're definitely not going to get that kind of melodrama from the workplace.) and I'm going to forget about buying a minivan and search out my 1996 Plymouth Sundance, red preferably, and hopefully the asking price will be right around $300 like the first time.

Since I married my high school boyfriend, I don't even have to trade him out. But some one's going to have to do something about these kids.

Because I give up.

And no, this is not some type of pity party. Well, at least for myself. The stuff I just mentioned, fine, I'm really fine with it all, ok, I actually love my life as an adult. BUT I hate everybody else's. And by everybody else, I mean some of my closest friends.

And today, I especially mean one friend in particular.

If only life weren't so difficult. Or terrible at times.

As much as I am blessed, sometimes it seems my friends are equally as cursed. And I hate that. HATE it. Like feel the vomit rise in my throat, clench my fists, grind my teeth, see red kind of hate.

I've seen my friends struggle with everything it seems, loss of parents and loved ones, money troubles, difficult siblings, single motherhood, loss of jobs, difficult in-laws or parents, miscarriages, trouble conceiving, health problems, handicap children, eating disorders, drinking problems, drug problems, loss of faith and abuse. The worst of all, or at least the most prominent in my life now are my friends struggling with abuse. Emotional. Verbal. And Physical.

Ok, that is seriously everything, right? I mean group us all together and we are one big, sad, Book of Job.

It doesn't seem fair.

Just because we're out in the world, on our own, trying to make our own way, and just because the world is a rough place to be, wretched, sinful and on a path to destruction(:)) doesn't mean that my friends should have to go through any of that. Or even that I should have to go through any of that.

I have three really good friends left over from high school. I mean, we didn't stay close since high school, but as soon as I was out of college we realized we were all pregnant at the same time and so we reconnected. They are beautiful people. Strong women, who are raising they're children on their own.

The worst part is that they all came out of abuse. Well, two out of three came out of it.

Ashley was the first to escape. And I don't know if she would say that it was for sure abuse, but I believe she was emotionally and verbally abused. And she still kind of is verbally abused by his family.

Bethany was second. And she was abused on all three levels. She kept going back and going back, but finally she got out. And thank God for that. Oh my word, she is so better off!

But there is one left. And the scary thing is, this is the most horrible abuse I have ever heard of. Granted, I don't know every detail, and I will of course assume my friends are the worst abused. But I am 100% confident that her abuse is even worse than anything I can imagine!

And let me just say, that any level of abuse, how great or how little, how often or far apart is unacceptable. Completely unacceptable.

And now I have to watch as my dear friend lives in fear constantly. I can't even say that she is herself, because this woman that I watch live in fear and sick obedience and hatred is not the person I know really exists inside of her. He has manipulated her and terrified her and forced her into believing that staying with him is the only way to protect her son.

And honestly, it terrifies me. He terrifies me. I don't know what he is going to do. Or say. Or do...

And I hate him for it. And I hate that she has to go through this. And I hate that she had to grow up into this. That we couldn't just stay irresponsible and free and never experience such sadness personally, that we couldn't just read about statistics from far away and watch after school specials and never, ever deal with one of our own facing such monsters.

I know. I'm being more real than usual. Sorry if that freaks you out.

It freaks me out. I'm the last person who enjoys being over-emotional.

But I don't know what to do. I can't sit back, but at the same time I have to. To protect her(If I step in it will only make it worse for her.). To protect my family(Because he has threatened others who have tried to get involved.). And because no matter how many times I have begged her to leave him she hasn't. And she won't.

And I hate doing nothing. I hate it. And I hate that she can't see outside of herself into a world without him, and without living in fear and where she is safe, and in a world where her son is protected and won't grow into the example his father is setting for him.

So if you think about it, please, please pray for her. Pray that she stays safe until she can escape. Please pray that she will escape and that it will last and that she won't go back to him, and that he won't find her. Please pray for what seems like the impossible, because in the worst situations that is all we have and at the same time all we need.


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