Finding Blog-O

We got our swimming pool out yesterday. Granted it's all of five feet in circumference and a blow-up $10 one from Target. But hey, it does the trick!

The kids had a blast playing in it. Plus, we straddled the pool with our Little Tikes plastic slide, so basically it's like a water park in my back yard! Bring your kiddies over! It's SO much better than CoCo Keys! :) Of course, only bring over a couple at a time. I mean, it's not actually CoCo Keys. There's room for like two other kids in there besides my own. Ha.

Anyways, I think I'm possessed by a demon.

Something wacky is definitely going on with me.

I'm not myself. I'm a much stranger version of myself. An even more off-the-wall-freak-out-version of myself. I'm acting Totally Bizarre. How bizarre. How bizarre.

Ok, I understand you might not believe me, or in reality you probably will think I've totally jumped off a cliff in to Banana Land, but I'm still going to try to convince you. Therefore I have compiled some evidence to solidify my case. Be prepared people. I am about to blow your mind.

Exhibit A: I've been screaming lately.

Whoa. Keep it PG.

Last week, there were three separate occasions where I screamed out loud, like high pitched, at the top of my lungs! Three times!

Ok, I am NOT a screamer. I may be scared very, very, very easily. Like think a scary thought, hide under the covers for the next three hours chicken. But I at least can keep my fear internalized.

Well, I thought I could.

I mean, even before, if I've tortured myself into watching a scary movie, I jump. I spill water. I spill popcorn. I cover my eyes, and cower behind my hands. But I never scream! Never.

I'm more of the jump ten feet in the air, clutch at my heart, eyes bulge out of my head type of scared.

But last week. Three times I screamed. Three.

Example 1. Last week after Zach had come home from work, he went down to shower. I went on my merry way making dinner. The girls were happy playing in the dining room and living room and so I was in the zone. About twenty minutes later I remembered that I needed something out of my pantry and so I left the safety of the kitchen and walked around the corner where I see this large figure hiding on the stairs. There is a net gate that keeps the kids from falling down the flight of stairs and so if I would have taken the time to assess the situation I would have realized that it was Zach, who had finished his shower and was coming up for dinner, but who had stopped along the way to play peek-a-boo with Scarlett. I did not assess the situation, and so what happened next was the spoon I was carrying dropped from my hand and I let out a blood-curdling scream which I'm sure, the whole neighborhood heard!

Ugh. Zach apologized, but I'm still not totally convinced he didn't do it on purpose.

Example 2. Thursday Morning is Trash Day for us. Trash and Recycling don't usually come until the afternoon and so I am ALWAYS the one who gets stuck taking the trash out. Don't even get me started. I hate taking out the trash. Hate it. But other people actually have jobs, blah blah blah. Anyways, there is this one particular trash can that nobody is allowed to take to the curb. Something about regulation height or something, I don't know. Anyways, protocol is that you have to hand remove all of the trash bags from the trash can and physically carry them to the curb. I know. If that's the case, why doesn't somebody else do it? It's totally disgusting to me! Anyways. So. Being the rule abiding citizen I am, I begin to pull out the trash bags, transferring them to a more-regulation-like can, one at a time. The first one comes out and I transfer. The second one comes out and I transfer. The third one? This is where I scream. And scream. And scream. Like a small child might I add. There might have been actual tears. But wait, listen! On top of the third bag was like a hundred(If I'm exaggerating it's not by a lot....) maggots. Yea, maggots!!!!! Oh. Gross. It gives me the heebies even now! They were flopping around and looking all slimy and gross and I about died!!! Plus, it wasn't over, I still had to take the stupid trash can to the curb, because I can't let maggots take up residence in my garage. This isn't a third world country! Oh my gosh they were awful. I didn't just scream once I saw them, I whimpered all the way to the curb and then danced and brushed and shook and trembled for hours later picturing them all over me!

You can judge me. But if you do I know how you haven't had to take out a trash can full of maggots. It is a big deal people. Trust me.

Example 3. And this was kind of the most dangerous. Last night Zach asked me to go on a Taco Bell run at about 11:00 PM. He chose Taco Bell because it's my favorite and he knows I like the solitude of the car. People, I have to take my peace and quiet wherever I can get it! Haha. Plus, there is something about driving late at night during the summer with the windows down that I just can't get enough of. Weird I know. But anyways all of these reasons played a part in my doing the Taco Bell run. Plus. Zach is totally spoiled rotten. And he gets whatever he wants. Don't tell him that. But we all know it's true. Ok. So I'm driving with the windows down through the park that leads to our neighborhood. It's super bumpy and windy and I'm just enjoying the drive. I haven't even turned the radio on because It's the first time it's been silent all day. The full moon is out, the breeze is perfect, you get the picture. BUT THEN. A June Bug flies in through my window and lands on my arm! Have you seen those things!! Plus, it's not even JUNE!!! And there is this huge ugly thing, on my arm. Well, you can imagine the sound that came out of my mouth. A calm rational person might have simply swatted the thing off out of the window. Me? Sheer Panic. I'm swerving all over the road, finally I slam on my breaks, dead center, I mean, nobodies getting around me. (Luckily there were no other cars. Who am I kidding? Thank GOD there were no other cars!) I try to brush it off of me out the window, but they are sticky little bastards and so it only goes as far as the window and then I'm screaming again. His legs start moving. I scream again. It gets stuck between the car and the window and I am screaming again. Total Panic at this point. I try to brush it out again and it lands back on me. Finally I pull my senses together, open the door and brush the damn thing out. Whew. What a battle.

Now. Fear. In fact, great, horrible, cataclysmic fear in all of those instances are TOTALLY normal for me! But since when do I scream? Really?

Exhibit 2 for Demon Possession.

I hated the Taco Bell. In fact, it totally, 100% grossed me out. I couldn't eat it. I wanted to vomit. It was awful! People I love Taco Bell. I don't eat there very often. But I love it. In fact it had been several months since we had done a Taco Bell run and now I'm afraid that we'll never do one again! Maybe it's maturity. Maybe it's, I don't know common sense to be grossed out by Taco Bell. But bleh. Even thinking about it makes me want to puke.

Exhibit 3. The final piece of evidence.

Well, I can't remember reason number three. But instead of a lack of evidence, I think it just proves my case further.

Ok, so maybe this demon is not only a chicken, but all-in-all healthier than I usually am. But looking at the evidence all signs point to demon possession.


Let's call the Catholics. It's time for some head-spinning-green-puking-cross-and-rosary-style-exorcisms.

I've never actually seen the Exorcist though. Um. I'm a chicken, remember?

Boom. Blog on Saturday. Unheard of! Haha.

Also, I learned yesterday, and this might relate back to the whole possession thing.... but I'm allergic to the sun.

We're not just talking sunburn people. Like hives. That's right, Sun-Hives. Shoot. Pretty soon I'm going to be like those children on The Others. Or..... Maybe I'm a vampire..... That accounts for both the allergy to the sun and the demon possession.

Dang it. I've been watching too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Don't judge. You know I love the 90's!


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1 comment:

  1. i have hated taco bell since i got knocked up... maybe you are pregnant. i'm just sayin.