Blog Romance

My day just got a lot simpler.

I was supposed to make "My Potato Salad" for a party tonight, but the party's postponed, and so is the several hours of potato salad making, I guess.

It's the best potato salad I've ever had, I'll admit that. But geez, louise, it's a process. I should do a whole biopic on it, like the Pioneer Woman. You know? Like put all of the ingredients and directions into step by step pictures. But I won't. And not because I'm one of those people that likes to keep their recipes a secret. I'm totally not. But because, holy cow, that seems like a TON of work.

If I can only get a picture of my kids in here every once in a while, I'm sure not going to sit down to take fancy pictures of potato's and pickles.

Ok. Enough about Potato Salad.

Today, I have the Itch.

No, this is not an STD. And I'm actually not referring to my plague/chicken pox/hives/smiting from God or whatever.

I mean, the Job Itch.

It comes around, oh about every 4-6 months and starts small. Like a little inkling, or a piece of advice from a well meaning friend. A whisper in my ear that says, "You should try this...." Or "Hey, you would be good at this...." Or, "Have you ever thought about doing this.....?"

And then my mind is a thousand years ahead of "Real Time" and I have not only planned my future in this previously-mentioned career, but my success, my failures, my income and my retirement.

That's when things start to get dangerous.

That's when I actually begin to believe it's possible. To have a job. A real job. Even if it's a part time job, it's still something right?

Maybe that means I'm a terrible mother, you know, to want to leave the house; to want to talk grownup talk during the day, to want to wear nice clothes and leave the house with makeup on and a decent hair-do every time. But maybe not. Maybe it's natural...

The grass is always greener on the other side. Right?

I know those women with jobs probably think I am a totally bananas right now. Why give up staying at home?

And the truth is, I won't. I'm committed. Completely.

But it's not easy. And it's not always fun, or smooth, or sane. In fact, most of the time I am frazzled and exhausted and edgy at the end of the day, same as I suppose I would be if I worked.

And I am no super mom. Ok, it's not like I know what we are having for dinner every single night, or the laundry is perfectly in order, or the house totally picked up and glistening from Mr. Clean. Because that's not the kind of mom I am. (Especially with Laundry. I HATE folding laundry. Worst chore, hands down!)

I can't even remember to pack Zach a lunch, and that should part of my daily routine or something.

I am definitely a much better Nanny than a Stay At Home Mom.

So anyways, I get the Itch and then I start to look. For a job. I look on all of the websites, craigslist and the paper, searching out the perfect job that would both fit my lifestyle and my strengths. Sometimes I'll even apply for a job, albeit a little half-heartedly, but all the same, I send in my application.

And then, what it comes down to, is fear. I am totally afraid of the real world. That is not a joke. I wouldn't know the first thing about having a real job.

I've had three my entire life. Arbys(When I was in High School). The Children's Place(When I was in college and didn't actually need the discount. Now, that I need it, of course I don't work there.). And Applebee's(Also in college). I wouldn't call that Life Experience for The Job World.

I wouldn't even know what to do with a job that actually related to my degree. Oy.

The woman I used to work full-time for as a nanny tells me that I have an excellent resume. I've self-contracted myself out, I've owned and operated my own business, I've marketed myself, advertised and been in charge of managing accounts(Getting paid for work.).

Ok. When she says it, yes, I am an accomplished woman. Successful. Empowered. Experienced.

When I say it? It sounds more like: Professional Babysitter, willing to work, for oh, whatever you're willing to pay.

They don't quite measure up.

So now I have the Itch. The I want to get some kind of work outside of the home work, that doesn't cost me my entire salary in daycare, without actually having to send my children to daycare(Although I know several of my friends would be fantastic options) and that at the end of the day would give me enough fulfillment that the guilt of leaving the kidlets would be worth it- Itch.

I'm pretty confident that doesn't exist.

Sure, financially there would be tons of benefits to having two incomes. But are they worth it?

Truthfully, I don't know. I haven't found anything that I would love enough to take me away from my children, and the other hundreds of kids that pass through this house. (Yes, I'm exaggerating. It's not hundreds. It's more like.... thousands? No, that got worse.)

So, today, I'll probably take an hour, surf the Internet looking for that perfect job, you know, the one that doesn't exist, so in essence I'll waste an hour of my life, but come away reminding myself why I am home, why this is important, and why the job search will just have to wait until the kiddos get off to school.

Besides, can you even picture me in Business Casual? Seriously. I doubt offices enjoy the Gypsy-Hippie-Bag-Lady thing I got going on. And what about the nose ring? That's not going anywhere, anytime soon.

Maybe, when I'm a grown up.


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