Stella just came in and asked me to "Play the Plano."

She was dressed in her play clothes, with a tutu over the top and tap shoes on her feet.
"Play the Plano" actually means, "Play the Piano," and she wants me to play my classical repertoire(Which really isn't that deep) so that her and AJ(Who is also dressed in a tutu and wearing a pair of dress shoes that are hand-me-downs from Jessica and still too big for Stella) can dance around the living room, pretending to be ballerinas performing with the Russian Ballet. They are precious!

They just compromised. One of them will play the piano, while the other dances and then they will switch. Scarlett and I are ready to bust out our ear plugs, but at least they are coming up with their own solutions and entertaining themselves. Life lessons, right?

Do you know what sucks?


This is me being honest today, so hold on to your hats. I don't like it, and I don't expect you to either.

Rejection, in every form, sucks. There is absolutely no way to feel good about yourself after getting rejected. There is no positive spin on the situation, no way to say, "You know what, it was for the best." Ok, even if whatever the situation is, is not a big deal, getting rejected sucks.

In the smallest ways, a credit card, a job application, a friend who's already made plans with somebody else.

In the biggest ways, asking someone who you really like out on a date, a music audition, a house loan.

No matter how big or how small, rejection brings instant disappointment and instant remorse. You question yourself, your methods, your skill, your looks, your past. Anything and Everything. The pit in your stomach forms and what was just seconds ago anxious anticipation turns to a rock and drops hard against your damaged soul(I know, a little over dramatic.).

But you get the point. We've all been there. Rejection is an impossible emotion to escape. It will find you. Hunt you down. Prove to you that you are only human and that being human means you experience both the good and the bad.

Well, frankly, I'm sick of it.

Do you want to know where this is coming from? What the heck I'm talking about? Well, you asked for it.

So, I've mentioned before that I have written this book, and I'm working on getting it published. It's not going so well. And in reality, if I'm honest with myself, I don't really expect to get it published. I don't.

I mean, think about it. There are like thousands of people with their own manuscripts working just as hard, probably a lot harder to get published. I'm just a needle in a hay stack. And I really do understand this. I'm not delusional.

But, still I have hope. And I think my manuscript is really good. Now here, I might be delusional. It might be total crap. I might just have terrible taste. Who knows? I mean, I haven't actually heard anything about my material so far.

My sisters read it. They loved it. But also, they are my sisters. They are biased, even if they don't think that they are. And frankly I haven't been brave enough to let anyone else read it. It's a really terrifying thought, basically like handing over my soul to someone else and asking them to judge me(I know, I know, tone down the drama). But you see my point.

Trying to publish the thing, is actually safer to me then having people I know read it. Those obscure, far away, total strangers don't really know me. They can't really judge me, right?

Well, actually they are doing a great job of judging me before they have even read anything!

You see, there's this process. This long, drawn out, path one must take to become a published author.

First, you must write a book. Turns out, that's the easy part.

Second, you must find yourself a Literary Agent. Someone to shop it around to Publishing Houses, negotiate a contract, a fee and in the end take 10% of whatever you make.

I don't know the rest of the steps, because I am stuck at number 2. In order to get yourself a Literary Agent you have to send out a "Sell Letter" called a Query. The agent reads the Query and then decides if he or she would like to read your manuscript. After that they decide if they want to represent you and so on and so forth. But I've never gotten past the Query. Not a single Agent has been interested in the actual material.

I've been rejected like 50 times. I've rewritten that Query letter like 10 times. And edited my manuscript at least 5. Yet nothing.

Failure. Rejection. Misery. They all come hand in hand.

And no matter how much I remind myself that I will be happy and successful no matter where I am or what I do(Which really is the truth by the way!), when I get that return letter or return email that says, "Sorry, we pass on you." I can't help but feel the twinge of disappointment, the gut wrenching feel of rejection and the miserable insecurity that accompanies failure.

Logically, I tell myself that there are thousands of others like me out there. That these Agents see hundreds of queries a day. That I doubt they even really take time to consider my one letter, or what my manuscript could do for them. I have no connections. No money to speak of. Why, why would they look at a Midwestern young mother, barely out of college and with no literary credits to speak of(Besides this Blog of course.)(Just kidding)? Why?

They wouldn't. And they don't.

So instead of reminding myself that the only reason I am pursuing this in the first place is A. Because I love, love, love to write. It's who I am. It's where I find myself. And if I could have a career in writing that would be utter perfection for me. And B. I love my story. I love my characters. And I believe in both my manuscript and my ability to tell a story. I wallow in self pity, trying to pick my heart up off of the floor and regain my ultimate vision.

Until that is, I find a free moment. A moment to jump back on the proverbial horse and send out a few more letters. Each one sent with a little prayer and a lot of hope(Maybe it should be the other way around) and push send, believing that this is the one. That this letter will reach the right person. And that person will see past my poorly written Query to the meat of a beautiful manuscript that could sell well, teach young girls about inner strength and beauty, prove a point that life is not lost after love when you're only sixteen and provide a moral compass when it seems absent in all other modern literature.

Until then however, I'm afraid rejection is the daily meal of a struggling author. (I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to publish me? I'm so down to earth. Ok, that was sarcasm, I am really layering on the woe-is-me-dramatic-crap today. Sorry about that!)

Be that as it may, Rejection still sucks. Still hurts. And still makes me question myself in every way.

Ha. Maybe I'll start posting one chapter at a time on here, just so that I can get some real feed back. Just so I can hear if it's worth pursuing, or if you know what, it's time to toss the whole manuscript in the trash and stick to blogging(Which is what I'll do, either way actually).

Who knows.

Well, I hope I didn't depress you too much! Yikes. Sorry about that!


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  1. Rachel, I am excited that you have written a book! I would love to read it. I could give you my opinion if you get to the point where you would like a non family member to read it. :) Love you! Keep on with your goal and don't give up. It will happen.

  2. Becky I might totally take you up on that! Love you too by the way!