Yeesh. So this blog is so long over do!!

I don't even know what has been happening in the time between this blog and the last, except that I know it has a lot to do with children... there were two separate traumatizing sharpie incidents, one waterproof mascara fiasco and a liquid foundation explosion. And then of course there was Laundry-mageddon. My epic battle with a weeks worth of laundry for six.

The Laundry won.

Bit time.

There is also the matter of this baby that is ALWAYS hungry. Always.

He eats ALL the time.

Which in turn, eats up all MY time.

So there has been no blogging, or Tuesday Teasers, or writing, or anything outside the realm of me being a mom. Which is ok. Really it is. That's what I am first and foremost: A mom.

Not a very good one... but a mom all the same.

This blog used to be called One Day, Some Day, Every Day. And it was all about my life and adventures as a mom. I feel like we need to revisit that style today... because there hasn't been very much writing being done lately, but there has definitely been a lot of life. A lot of comical, crazy, cluttered life.

On Sunday I told two of my friends that I exist to make other moms feel better about themselves. I am like the sign of encouragement to all other moms. You can just think, at least I'm not her! And that is the truth!!!

Don't get me wrong, there is no shortage of love in our house and my children mean the absolute world to me. But if you are feeling out of control, or that your household is a little upside down, please come spend just a few hours with me and my gaggle of children and you will leave feeling so much better about yourself. You will leave feeling like Martha Stewart and Joan Cleaver combined. Honestly.

On Sunday, Stella had this three hour dance practice. If you don't know, I am a total Dance Mom. Yep, just like the reality show... only I like to think of myself as more grounded, but you can be the judge of that I suppose. Anyway, my five year old. Yes, five year old.... dances competitively. And if you think five is young, she started at three, this will be her third year of competing. So really, it's not so young in comparison.

I don't come from a dance background, so this is all very new to me. Even after all these years in it, I still don't really understand what's going on. And the scoring is absolutely incomprehensible to me. It's basically a foreign language.

I played contact sports. I understand First, Second and Third. I understand tournaments and rally points and goals. Those are the things I understand.

Stella gets scored by like High Diamond Elite. Or Platinum Ruby... something. I don't know. Their scoring system is a foreign language to me! And it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't. You can't make me understand it.

One of my closest friends is not only Stella's teacher, but one of the moms on her team, so I just look at Lindsay and she tells me if they did good or bad and if they should have been scored differently.

She's like my interpreter.

Lindsay also texts me reminders for times and things I need to bring. She is amazing.

Everyone needs a Lindsay in their life!!

Ok, anyway, so last weekend we had all these extra practices because competition season is almost upon us. And on Sunday we had a three hour practice.

Another of my closest friends with a daughter on the team lives in our neighborhood and we had decided to carpool to practice. I offered to drive because I knew I would be gone too long to leave Solo at home and I needed a vehicle with the baby car seat hookups.

So, just as I'm getting ready to load everybody up in the car to go to Diana's house and pick up her and her daughter, Solo Poop Explodes EVERYWHERE!!! Which is normal for a baby when you're trying to get somewhere on time, right??? And I mean, it was a mess. Plus then the wipes weren't where I left them and his extra clothes were all in the wash and I couldn't find a diaper. Ugh. By the time I finally had him stuffed into clothes that were too small and did not match and everyone loaded into the car, Diana was pulled up in front of my house doing the "What the heck???" look.

I gave her my "Duh, this is me we're talking about" smile and waved her one. We met at dance and I explained the situation. That was after I rushed into the building one minute before I was supposed to be there, in a flurry of chaos, with my arms full of baby, dance bags and my stuffed to the brim purse filled with junk and nothing I actually needed and with my daughter wearing a t-shirt from our LAST studio.... which was complete oversight on my part and a little bit embarrassing. Diana was of course forgiving and the t-shirt wasn't that big of a deal, even though it kind of felt like it, so I prepared myself to spend the next chunk of my life re-learning how to apply stage-makeup to a five year old, do a perfect side bun with just the right amount of lacquered hair spray and get educated on how to trim fake-eye lashes.

Which is actually as terrifying as it sounds....

The time comes, the teachers call all the moms into the dance studio, we gather together, sans shoes, onto the practice floor and so begins our tutorial.

At this exact moment, Solo starts screeching.

Although I was not the only mom with an infant alongside me, I was definitely the ONLY mom with one daring enough to interrupt the important tutorial.

So doing my best to keep Stella still, listen to all of the instructions and keep a pacifier stuffed in Solo's mouth I finally relented and pulled him out of the car seat.

Only to find that he had Poop Exploded AGAIN!!!!!!!! What is this kid eating???

And here's the worst part.

I didn't have an extra outfit for him. Nothing. Nada. Not even a too-small something left over from his newborn days. And let me remind you that there was poop everywhere!!!

Not to mention I couldn't just get up and leave the meeting! So, I held on to him the best that I could, while all the little girls around me started complaining because of how he smelled and I was trying not to panic at the absurd circumstances that were, in all reality, an everyday kind of occurrence for me!

Eventually, the smell became even too much for me and I high tailed it out of there and to the girl's bathroom floor, because there was no changing table but there was, again just so you get the clear picture, poop everywhere. I proceeded to pull out my wipes... of which there were only TWO, and did my best to clean up the poor baby's entire back and diaper area. I was very tempted to just throw the clothes away, since they were too small to begin with, but now that I think about it, I think they are still tucked away in Stella's dance bag.... which is no bueno. I'll look into that later. Anyway, his pants were fine, so I tugged those back on and lifted up my shirtless baby.

Which, ok, let's be honest, Solo has the body of a baby sumo wrestler, so he was absolutely adorable. The only problem was that the outside temperature was like 7 degrees.. so... obviously I couldn't have a shirtless five month old running around.

Also, only one dance mom walked into the bathroom whilst I was sprawled out in the center of the filthy tiled floor, elbows deep in poop, so that was another plus!

I rejoined the meeting, slipped Stella's bright pink, social faux pas shirt on to him and called it good.

Well, I called it good. The other moms kept complimenting me on what an adorable baby girl I had. And Lindsay, the one I was just praising for being such a good friend, ahem, told me he was really, really cute as a little girl.

Psht.

Poor baby.

We made it through the day. I learned everything I was supposed to and what I can't remember I have friends for. And Stella got to be her diva self, working it on the dance floor.

The point of the story is, that's me! I am chaos. And despite all my New Year's resolution and determination, I don't know if I'll be anything but, ever. So I'm trying to catch up with the other part of my life that doesn't involve dirty diapers and screaming kiddos. But it's slow going. I have so many exciting blog posts to write and some even better announcements to make and I'm going to try to catch up with all of that.

Also, if you've written an email recently... I'm working on it. I have something like 18,000 unread emails in my box!!! Which is insane, obviously. It's definitely not fan mail either. Here is the thing, my junk mail only has 18 pieces in it. Something is seriously reversed. But everything kind of gets lost into the abyss of ads and penis enhancers, so be patient with me please!!!

Later today I am definitely doing a teaser for The Rush though. So be on the lookout for that!!! Exciting things to come!