Penny Drop

So Starbright has been live for like fifteen hours now and I am finally settling into excitement.

Oh my word I get so nervous....

So. Nervous.

Like ulcer-inducing-ADD-can't-see-straight-want-to-puke kind of nervous....

I'm basically a basket case.

But in my defense, when I write it is very personal. Most authors feel this way. It's like I'm writing this piece of myself into every character, plot line and scene and then I just put it out there for the world to judge.

There's too much of me in the story. I can't separate myself professionally and say "Oh well, they don't like the story. It's not for them."

I mean I can say that. And I do eventually. But first I become embarrassingly pathetic and distraught. It gets better the longer a book has been out.

Like once I know what to expect then I'm Ok with the negative review. Reckless for instance, I get all kinds of reviews and ratings for that book. But like I know that if you are the type of person who wants a shrewd heroine with everything together and asks all the right questions and is way more mature than 16 and 17... you're not going to like Reckless.

In fact you may just hate it. Or at least hate Eden.

Ok. Lol.

It's true.

Anyway I know to expect all that.

But with Starbright it is still very unknown.... So, when the next twenty blog posts are about how I'm thinking about getting into therapy, you will know why.

Ugh. Insecurity!

It's just awful. Right???

And maybe one day I will have it so much together that I won't have time to be bothered by it. But right now that isn't the case. And I really feel like I don't have all that much extra time.... so....

The worst part about insecurity is that it can happen from anything. And then it's like this disease that infects everything else in life. Like if I'm feeling insecure about my writing, suddenly I hate everything else in my life. Suddenly I'm not a good enough mother, or wife or friend or.... housekeeper. Suddenly the entire world is falling apart and I can't stop it because I am just not good enough.

But it's just a sickness and nothing more.

I suppose I deal with it enough to so I can immediately identify the downward spiral. Because that's what it is. It's like those penny donation things that used to be in the middle of the mall. And you would stick the penny down the slot at the very top and then watch as it looped around and around and around speeding up until it was spinning so fast at the narrowest part before dropping to the abyss below.

That's insecurity.

It starts slow and easy... I forgot to send Stella to school in tennis shoes for PE so she didn't get to participate. Shoot if I only had it more together... if I was only a better mom.

And then I look around my house and pile on the guilt for the mess in every room that I just can't seem to get the kids to take responsibility for. Or the piles of laundry that need to be folded. Or the dishes in the sink.

And then I realize I have no idea what's for dinner and I have to start making it in point three seconds or the entire house will crumble apart.

And it's one thing after another, after another and the insecurity picks up pace and soon I'm spinning out of control in self doubt and heart ache. And the abyss below is depression and it is coming fast.

And those are just broad examples. Although I really did forget to send Stella in PE shoes last week and she couldn't participate. But 1. It was picture day and I was SO not going to put her in an outfit that matched with tennis shoes on picture day. And 2. She hates PE anyway and was COMPLETELY fine with skipping. Lol! I apologized to her when she came home and she was like "Mom, it's REALLY ok."

She's a dancer. I'm not going to try to convince anybody otherwise!


Anyway, back to my way too honest admission of all my faults! Lol.

The weirdest thing about Insecurity to me is that usually I am this super confident person. Like, in all honesty I am. Even if I sound pretty pathetic right now.

But that's the thing about struggling with self doubt... it just needs a tiny, itty bitty little foot hole before the whole thing spirals out of control.

I've been working on this for a while. Well, probably ever since I had kids and it became apparent just how inadequate I really was. I think feeling like the worst mom ever is the easiest way to fall into the trap. I mean, there is rarely any positive feedback when you're a mom, right???

And there is ALWAYS something you can be doing better or more of. I could yell less. I could read to them more. I could play with them more. I could teach them better table manners. I could, I could, I could.... The list is infinite.

Plus there are no tangible results. I mean, every once in a while we see how great our kids can be or a stranger will stop to tell us what a good job we are doing.

But will we ever REALLY know for absolute sure that we've done enough as a parent???

I mean I can look into my children's future and I know what I want them to accomplish. If they do, will I be able to relax, pat myself on the back and go, job well done, Rachel. Job well done...

No. I don't think so!

Well maybe.

I hope so anyway.

But still, that's a good twenty years away.... I still have teenage years to deal with and dating and influential friends....

And college.

And marriage.


I'm in for a long ride.

So until then it's very easy to question myself at every turn. To give myself a report card that is mostly Failing and Needs Improvements.

And with writing it's no different. Basically because each book I put out there IS another child of mine. It basically has my DNA.

Last night I could feel the Insecurity just closing in around me.... I meant it felt like the ceiling was seriously pressing down on me. And it's easy to stay there. To wallow in it or just exist in it.

I could live an entire life of self-doubt. I really could.

But what fun would that be????

So I did what I had to do. I walked away from it all. I had work to do.... I always have work to do. Or I can ALWAYS be on the computer. There is infinite amount of promoting and connecting I can do online.

But I had to say enough was enough and find myself again. The confident, secure part of me that was ready to face today and the rest of the week.

It wasn't easy. It's hard to put your arms and legs out and stop yourself from spinning further down that narrow tunnel. It really is.

But in the end, no matter what other people think of Starbright, I am really, really proud of it. I really am. And I have to remember that, and I have to remember WHY I'm proud of it.

I love this story line. And I love my characters. And I can't wait for other people to get to know them. I can't wait to start writing book two!!!

And when I remember those things, it's the confidence that comes easily and the self-doubt that's harder to remember.

Anyway! Sorry to be Debbie Downer this morning, but, and this is an entirely different blog altogether... but I can't pretend like I have it together, or that I'm this professional author that just believes everything I write turns into gold.

I am honestly just a mom trying to provide for my family by doing something that I love to death. And I have a serious need... some might call it an addiction.... to be real and open and honest. Having an internet personality is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do! And I haven't exactly figured it out yet.

So this blog will most likely NOT become all about my writing or books or what's next. And it will probably not stay all about my personal life. But I'm hoping to find a mixture of the two.

A balance.

Actually I'm trying to do that in every aspect of my life.

Starting with a ginormous THANK YOU to everyone who has bought Starbright so far. Or heck, ANY of my books. And I honestly mean that from the bottom of my heart! I am so blessed.

And I'm so excited for what's next.

So thank you.


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1 comment:

  1. It is when you see your children raising your grandchildren that you see tangible results...and I have to say, I am VERY please with the results.
    I love you!
    Jesus loves you!