Ugh. What a day!!!

And it wasn't terrible. And it wasn't awful. But let's be real, sometimes being a mom is REALLY hard. And trying to be a good mom is even stinking harder.

I'm pretty sure I'm failing.

And I'm not sure what to do about it.

I've been having these panic attacks lately. Partly because I'm prone to them and partly because I'm pregnant and filled with all kinds of irrational fears.... But my oldest, Stella, is off to kindergarten next year.

This is depressing all on it's own. Well, Ok, SOME DAYS it's depressing... And some days I can hardly wait to kick her little back-packed booty out the door! :) Just kidding.

Mostly, I can't believe how fast these years have gone. Just yesterday I was holding that little Eskimo, rocking her back and forth gingerly because she had bitten off my nipples(That's a whole different story) and thinking about the endless days ahead of us, just me and her.

And now, I could make a countdown clock for the little darling when she leaves my daily charge and I entrust her into the school system.

AH! Where's my paper bag??? I'm starting to hyperventilate!!!!

But I digress... Because this is NOT what I usually hyperventilate about.... Oh no.

I just can't believe my initial training of my child is done. Of course I will STILL be her mother and the majority of how she turns out still rests on me. But now the MAJORITY of her days will be spent away from me. I have to hand her over to teachers and friends who I don't know, with parents I don't know, to be subject to the cruelty and innocence of child all at once.

And I don't like it. What if she is the opposite of me and hates school. What if she has a hard time learning and struggles with it daily. What if she makes poor choices with friends. Or worse. Poor choices with boys.

Yes, she is only starting kindergarten... But still. This is the beginning of the end. And I'm worried I'm going to lose my little girl.

But more than that I am worried I haven't done enough.

Is she really prepared for kindergarten??? Have I done my job as a mother to equip her with the right tools?? Will she be polite...? Will she obey her teachers and listen to them? Will she be kind to everyone and a good friend?

I hope so.

I hope I've done my job.

But I can't say for sure.

I teeter between thinking I've failed her as a mother and getting so excited for her to start this brand new journey.

And it's making me a crazy person.

And it certainly doesn't help that people keep asking me when the baby is due and I say August and they keep saying, "Oh wow, that is going to be here before you know it!! That's like SUPER SOON!!!"

All I can think about is that yep, my baby is due the exact same week Stella starts kindergarten. That is soon. That is way, way, way too soon.

If only I had the stamina, patience and super-human ability to homeschool.... Those women are stronger than me. I'm so not cut out for it. Believe me. I tried.

But at least then I would feel as though I had a few more years of complete control before the rebellion of adolescence rules their little lives....

At least hopefully, by the time Stella starts school I will have had the baby and will be a little less irrationally emotional about it. (Since I'm tearing up right this very second....)

Or not.

Well, even if I can't control this part of my child's life and even IF I feel like I've failed her as a mother, I can at least do my best in another aspect of parenting.

Milk.

Yep, that's right, milk.

So, on our last day of Bible Study a few weeks ago, the ladies were talking and some very disturbing information was spoken regarding Milk.

As in what you drink.

What goes on Cereal.

That kind of milk.

And stories were swapped and all that jazz. And I walked away from study that day not thinking about Jesus, but in fact terrified of the milk sitting in my refrigerator.

Oh yes.

Which, to be honest, I have these totally weird views on milk anyway. Like, I have never pushed my kids into drinking it, I limit them to one glass a day and that is mainly to break up the water cycle for Scarlett because the girl wants to drink juice 24/7 and since she's only allowed one glass of that(And it's mixed half and half with water already....) I feel bad fighting with her about beverages the rest of the day.

But in college I read some books on how harmful milk actually is to the human body. Our bodies are not meant to digest it very well, and everybody to a degree is lactose intolerant.

Some are obviously worse than others.

But most people have bowel issues directly after consuming milk and/or get stomach aches....

But that's not why I gave it up....

There have been lots of studies linking Milk to leukemia in children, autism, multiple sclerosis and other diseases.

And that terrifies me.

In fact, the whole argument of the books I read were that No other species drinks another species milk that is meant for their young. In fact, after a while even cows stop drinking their own milk. Where as if you look at meat and vegetables, other animals and what not consume both of those. But not milk.

Our argument FOR drinking milk is that it's a great source of calcium, when in fact it's not. Our bodies can't digest the calcium in milk properly. So it's a wash. Plus. Calcium is found in a lot of other foods that more than make up for what you think you get out of milk.

Ok, all that being said.

I don't drink milk.

Except on cereal. Because let's get real.... There is absolutely NO substitute for milk on cereal. And believe me I've tried it all from soy milk(Which is just as bad for you, but in different ways.) to water, to orange juice to.... well that's mainly it. But nothing is as good as milk.

And I put creamer in my coffee. Daily.

And I cook with it.

Especially now that Brooke clued me into tomato soup made with milk. Um. Hello. A-Mazing.

But, I limit our intake. Because I do not believe it is healthy for you. In fact, one of the arguments in this book, and other research I've read is that Milk wasn't a normal part of humanities diet(And still isn't in other parts of the world. Although I'm not saying they are healthier parts of the world. Just making an observation.)until after the depression. In an effort to grow the business of dairy farmers across the US, the government started running adds on Milk being a great source of calcium and how we need it in our daily diets.

I know.

I sound like crazy conspiratorialist.

But that is also the reason we eat bacon for breakfast. An ad campaign run during World War Two to help pig farmers. Before the ads, bacon was a meat served for dinner. By making posters and billboards advertising bacon with breakfast, bacon sales had the potential of doubling.

Plus, think about all the ads that influence our lives and Milk introduced by the government doesn't seem so crazy.

Oreos in milk.

Taco Bells Fourth Meal.

Cheerios and Heart Health.

I mean, those are small examples, but please don't think I'm TOO crazy. And I'm not saying that oreos in milk aren't delicious OR that Taco Bell doesn't sound amazing at midnight, but those were efforts in advertising to introduce them into our minds as a way of life.

Ok. Moving off my crazy soap box to a different kind of crazy soap box.....

The discussion at Bible Study wasn't really about milk, but about Precocious Pubescence or girls and boys reaching puberty at an alarmingly young age. Like 8.

Yes, like 8 and 9 year old girls getting their periods!!!!!

Can you imagine????

How awful would that be for your daughter??? And what a long and terrible life ahead of her. Nobody should have to go through that many PMS cycles in one life time....

Or your ten year old son needing to shave? I'm sorry. I will not be trusting Stryker with a razor on his face before he is a teenager.

Not going to happen.

But apparently this is an issue sweeping our country. And what the ladies had said their doctor advised them to do about it if they started to see signs of early maturity was to switch to organic meat and organic milk, because some doctors believe the hormones in both could be what is causing the early onset of some of the worst years of our lives.

That was all I needed to hear.

I immediately called Zach. I mean literally, as soon as we were loaded into the car and leaving the parking lot, to tell him that as soon as we finished our gallon of milk we were switching to organic. I don't care how expensive it is.

Those were my words.

MY WORDS.

To which he of course laughed and balked and I could feel him over the cell phone air waves roll his eyes, but sure enough he came home that day with organic milk.

And HOLY SMOKING COW is it expensive!!!!!

It's one of the reasons we got a membership to Costco. I'm not even kidding.

The meat part we were already there, except for hamburger. But that's a different issue. And it all has to do with even organic hamburger using fillers in the meat if it is anything less than 85/15... So we just use 85/15, I drain the fat and we eat very, very, very little hamburger.

Since we switched I've done my own research into this issue and I've learned that it's not necessarily a conclusive study. There are fields of thought that blame Precocious Pubescence on Milk and Meat and there are fields of thought that blame it on the sexual freedom of the media, early maturity in a single parent home, obesity since children have to reach a certain weight to even begin puberty and the expansion of the population since Hispanic and African American girls seem to hit puberty before Caucasian girls.

But, I try to be an Err-On-The-Side-Of-Safe kind of mom. I mean, Alzheimers isn't definitively linked to aluminum, but we still bought new pots and pans to cover our bases.

You can argue with me all you want to about the safety of microwaves, but we don't have one in our house and when my doctor told me I couldn't stand within five feet of one whilst pregnant that was enough evidence for me to think that yes, something isn't safe about them.

So we are going to be safe again with Milk. And I am going to pay an arm and a leg to drink it. Even occasionally. Or once a day.

But here are some questions.... Because I have NO idea. And I'm not that learned in Organic products. Also, all my research hours this month were filled with the hormone/puberty/milk look up and so I have to get back to work and wait till June to research my newest and craziest decision.

:)

We bought our organic milk from Costco, which meant it came with three half gallons. This made me SUPER nervous since we drink milk so little.

But. Then. The expiration date on the cartons say June 27th. And we bought the milk on May 5th. How can this be true??? Why does organic milk have such a long expiration process??? Is it because of the pasturization, because that is my whole issue with milk to begin with...!!!

And also. We bought the Costco brand of Organic Milk, because that is all that they had. But, it doesn't say on the carton that it's hormone OR antibiotic free..... So is it?? Is that what Organic means and it's implied??? Or can some Organic milk still be treated with hormones and antibiotics????

I'm confused!!

Please tell me someone out there is buying organic too and can help!!

Sorry about this train ride into Crazy Town.

To end, my dearest Scarlett has started to nickname our family. Oh yes, she is coming up with all sorts of gems for us to be proud of.

First, she wants to name the new baby Slow Poke. And she assures me that since the name starts with an "S" it will be just fine.

She has suddenly started calling Stryker, "Chicken Bob." We have no idea why, or where she got this from, but the nickname has lasted for more than a week and that is a long time in three year old world.

And tonight I was given my very own nickname after she asked me what my middle name was. (Nancy Jo.)

She has decided to start calling me.... Yes the whole title..... Rachel Fancy Jo.

Yep.

I'm no longer mom. Or mommy. Or mother(Which sometimes comes out very sarcastically as "Yes Mother.........").

I'm Rachel Fancy Jo.

I am somehow NOT as worried about that child going to school....