Wait Watchers

I know I spelled that wrong.

I did it on purpose.

Just thought you should know.

Whether it is clever, has yet to be determined.

But I do know these two things.

First, a bird. A stupid bird. And I mean that in the literal sense of the word. Flew into my picture window this morning and now I have to stare at a bird-sized smudge smack dab in the middle of my freshly cleaned window.

It is irritating.

I can see his wingspan.

Oh. Don't worry.

For you animal lovers out there, he was knocked down, but oh yes.... He got up again.

Chubawuba anyone???

Going old school with that reference. Woot.

Second, and this is most definitely good news.



They were open all night.

And it is glorious in here. Oh, so glorious.

I hate the air conditioning. Actually, I find it hard to stand anytime the windows are closed. Obviously, in the winter, it is a necessity for survival. BUT. That doesn't mean I have to like it.

I need the freshness of the breeze, the smell of the outdoor. I need anything, but the recycled, stifling air of the air-conditioner.

I say that, of course, with the utmost respect and dedication to the machine that keeps me sane and sweat free through July.

It's not even 70 out yet though and so the indoor temperature is perfect.

And our house smells less like "Old." And more like "Country."

Which, ok, lets face it, is not always a good thing, but don't worry there are no cattle farms or pig ranches around here.

We are disgusting-smell-free. Just corn and a garden that didn't grow.

Although, last night at dinner, we did eat corn out of OUR garden. Corn that Zach planted, and I weeded.

I wish I could say that I was proud of it. But all I kept thinking was, Man, the Farmer's corn is so much better!!!!


And it is.

But, really, it might not have been the Farmer and his corn at all. It just might have been me.

I've lost my Mojo.

Yes, Austin Powers, you and I have something in common.

It's gone. Vanished. Disappeared.

And I don't know what happened, really.. Except to say that Zach and I decided to go on a serious diet. Things were getting out of control. And then. All of a sudden.

I can't cook.

Not even the easy things.

We started this so called serious diet Saturday.

For dinner, Zach grilled Pork Loin Chops. They are really lean and thin and not very exciting in the way of meat, because they are also dry.... But they are... Healthy....

And he grilled corn.

Corn on the cob is our staple with every meal because it grows in our back yard and it's free.

Oh. And the kids love it.

Ok, my job was to make the Green Veggies.

Which is easy in Saladmaster. I took my 11 inch skillet, and poured in the Green Beans, the Peas and cut up some cabbage.

And then I burned it all to hell.

They weren't even edible. Like, my kids wouldn't go near them with a ten foot pole and Zach only Pretended to eat them!! He mainly just pushed them around his plate.

How did I ruin veggies when A. they are easy and B. it was my only job for dinner that night??!!!??!!

Ok. Example number 2.

Sunday for dinner, we slow cooked a beef roast. It was a tiny, itty-bitty, little thing. I had kind of bought it on accident... I had meant to buy a pack of Baker's super cheap steaks to make like a Steak Salad with or something.


So, Zach slow cooks the beef roast. And we are going to have beef tacos. (Ok, not the healthiest, but in our defense, it was just veggies and salsa, we went sans cheese.)

My job was the beans and rice.

The beans were burnt and the rice never got done.

Strike number 2.

Then. Monday night. (Do you like how I'm recounting all of our meals for you? Stop complaining.)

Chicken Leg Quarters, Deviled Eggs and Corn on the Cob.


DO you know how easy it is to cook chicken in saladmaster???? SO. Easy. All I had to do, was get the chicken into the skillet and then. Do. Nothing. Well, except flip the chicken about 20 minutes in.

Except my chicken was frozen. Oh, yeah, that's right. And it took me like an three hours to COOK.

Zach and I even made a bet. Because he didn't think I could cook it all the way through without charring it.

I won.

But we ate dinner at 8:30 at night.

Not. Even. Kidding.

Oh and my deviled eggs???? Salt. Lick.

They were awful. OMG they were so bad. And I had been so so so excited to make them ever since my wonderful friend Kimbra opened my eyes that they are not just a holiday food.

They are a summer food.

And I turned them into something a horse wouldn't even eat.

Zach took a bite and then gagged and then took another bite just to make sure they were as awful as he originally thought they were!!!

Oh. They were terrible.

I think my problem was trying to make them Curry Spiced Deviled Eggs, instead of the traditional Paprika.

I got a little too far out on a limb. I got a little too full of myself. And then I fell out of the tree, into a rushing river, pulling me towards Niagra Falls.

It was bad.

That brings us to last night: African Peanut-Chicken Stew over Saffron Rice.

I can at least say that my Rice turned out well, and although Zach praised my stew up and down we both know that it was too sticky and tasteless.

I think he was just trying to make me feel better!!!!

Well, it didn't work. My cooking skills apparently got pissed off I wasn't going to be using a pound of butter a week and cheese was going to be served only to the children and I probably wouldn't be making my amazing fried pancakes anymore and biscuits and gravy and cheesy potato soup and the cookies I have been dying to make and the cupcakes I have wanted to experiment with are not going to happen for a very, very, very long time.

Shoot. I'm pissed about all of that.

But as it turns out, you can NOT lose weight and eat like that.

Like, you can't even lose one pound with portion control!!! It's impossible.

I'm going to have to learn how to cook from the beginning.

Oh. No.

It's our first year of marriage all over again!!!

Zach is in the fetal position in the corner crying right now!!! And I'm on the phone finding a good therapist. It's going to be a rough year....

Didn't he put up with enough bad cooking that first year???? He has suffered enough!

Maybe I'll just put us on Nutrisystem. At least then the meals would already be all made and I wouldn't have to continue shaming myself every time 5:00 PM rolls around.

It's just depressing. Like, you finally think you're good at something. And then. Bam. You're not.

And now all of my Bad-For-You-Cooking-Skills are going to be wasted, whilst I try to learn how to cook healthy so I can lose all of this weight, just to get pregnant again and gain it all back.


And on one final note, I cannot believe Jeff Lewis fired Trace!!!!! Holy. Smokes.


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