Ok.

If you haven't bought Reckless Magic today is the day to do it!!!!

I am two books away from doubling my sales from last month, and so I am thinking I would really like to get there!(Although Zach was just like, Don't get greedy..)

It's only 99 cents on amazon.com or smashwords.com or available for any eReader.

And it's amazing.

Ok.

I don't know if its really a-mazing...

But I do know that the sequel is even better than the first one and it comes out in like a week, so you need to grab Reckless Magic so you can be ready to read Hopeless Magic!!

Word.

And I say "Word" ironically. Because I'm a hipster and I can use words like that ironically.

Just kidding. I'm not a hipster. But I really wish I was. Because then, when I used phrases like OMG and BFF and announced that I love Ke$ha and Britney Spears it could all be done under the banner of Irony.

In all reality, hipsters kind of seriously irritate me. BUT. I want to be one, ironically.

Like. A twist on Hipster-ism.

Plus, then I when I say that I'm Post-Racist, it makes sense.

No, lets be honest this isn't making sense to anyone. Although I believe our whole generation is post racist so don't even get me started on that.

Globalization people.

Globalization.

Ok, this morning was totally one of those mornings that started at 6AM and I had three cups of coffee and a 600mg ibuprofen for breakfast and eyed the cheetos for an hour before deciding on cheerios.

Yes, one of those mornings.

And Zach's off to work. And my children are stir-crazy. And I've got mountains of laundry to fold. And a kitchen that looks like the after-math of World War Three. And I need a shower.

Ugh.

What I really need is a personal assistant. Like. ASAP.

ALSO. OMG. I quit the country.

Like. Today.

Like. Right now. Kids, pack your bags we're moving back to the city!!!!

I just looked over at my window. And the INSIDE of my window is COVERED in a spider web with this like huge (MAKES ME WANT TO USE A CURSE WORD) spider climbing around. The whole freaking window!!!

I am having a panic attack.

And I'm going to blog about it!!!!

Holy. Moses.

And the thing is, I just took down a smaller spider web yesterday on that same freaking window so this sucker popped up over night. And Zach is at work until after two.

What am I going to do????

Well, besides avoid this room entirely until he gets home, hand him a roll of paper towels as soon as he walks in the door and freak out with the heebie geebies until then.

Sometimes I love it out here. Like, seriously love it. And then sometimes the ecology of the whole place sends me to crazy town and I can't get over size and quantity of the insects!!!!

Yesterday, I had to take out the trash. Which is a job that I usually leave for Zach, but it was full and I didn't want it to sit on our deck because I didn't want the high school student coming over to teach dance to think we collect trash. So. I got my trash bag, and turned the corner to walk down the ramp(Because here, in order to take out the trash, I have to go out the back and all the way around my house, down my driveway and onto the flat part of the pavement), and I walked straight into a spiderweb that literally went from my roof to the side of our deck!!!!

It was a trap people.

Not to catch other insects.

But to catch me.

The spiders on this land have it out for me.

The ants alone are not the size of normal ants.

No.

They're HUGE. It's not even exaggeration. You can spot them from like thirty feet away.

And I don't even want to go into detail on the Boxelder Bug sitch we got going on.
Swarms.

Swarms of them.

And here's the thing, I don't even think we have a Boxelder Tree!!!!!

So, this spider web is just really... icing on the cake.

OMG. (Ironically...)

Anyways, back to why I need a personal assistant. It's not just for the dishes and laundry because technically I think that would be a maid... No. It's for grocery shopping.

As much as I look forward to my Wednesday Ads, because believe me I do. It's like Christmas when they come and I sit down with my red pen and circle everything I need for the next two weeks and plan my meals around the sales.

I mean. Seriously. It's time consuming. But I love it.

What I don't love is the grocery shopping part of it!!!!

I actually hate that part.

Like, yesterday, I had to go grocery shopping. I had to. We were down to nothing. This Mother Hubbard's Cupboards were bare. Believe me.

So anyways, I wrote out my list and then I decided for some stupid reason that I just didn't want to go to Walmart. Oh. No.

As easy as it is to just price match everything there, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I need to give business to the little people, right? Also, I hate Walmarts produce and meat department.

I wanted the good stuff. Although, I still got quite a bit of produce there because nothing beats the Aldis fruit prices and Fareway is too far out of my way.

But my mom had the kids, so I thought, Oh, this will be so easy, running into all of these different stores and grabbing just what I need.

I even had my grocery list itemized, with the prices and exact ounce or pound size next to it, and categorized into grocery store sections. Like, Dairy, and Meat, and Misc.

Have I mentioned how much prep goes into Grocery Shopping before I actually shop? It's like the main reason I only go once every two weeks.

So. I'm totally ready. But as it turns out there is NO easy or fast way to go about Grocery Shopping. It is a vortex of wasted time, running around busy supermarkets, comparing prices and standing in line for hours and then haggling with the cashiers and in the end everything always costs more than it should.

Period.

I hate inflation.

And I get physically ill when I think about what that damned debt ceiling is going to do to grocery prices. Either way it goes.

Not to mention the floods that have destroyed all the crops this year.

OMG. I need a paper bag. Who else is panicking????

For the last several weeks Cheetos (I know I'm talking about Cheetos a lot today, but they're my fam's fave right now, plus it's one of those prices that have to be so low in order for me to buy.) have been on sale for $1.99. Ok, that is not such a bad price.

I can pay $1.99 for one bag and then ration the contents out for the next two weeks.

No problem.

Except that Cheetos are super hard to stop eating once you've started...

Anyways. This week? The lowest I could find them were $2.48.

What??

And I know it's only a 50 cents difference, but that's how they get you. SLOWLY.

Look at pop. Ok. 3 for $12 is not a good price. That is $4 a 12pack. A 24 pack is now like $8!!

Outrageous.

I don't buy pop unless it's under $3. Which means... I haven't bought pop in a while.

In fact, I really only buy pop when it's 4 for $10.

That's my ideal scenario.

Anyways, where was I? Oh. The grocery store is a nightmare. Especially Walmart. If I could never go there again, my life would be better.

And that is why I need an assistant. Someone else to fight the crowds and haggle with the cashiers and be ready to whip out the circled ads at a moments notice and push the overstuffed cart out to the car and load up the groceries.

Plus, why is the grocery store even busy on a Friday night at dinner time???? I thought we were the only ones who never had plans on Friday nights anymore.

Apparently not.