Blog Like You Mean It

Well, It's 10 Am. This is like 3 hours later than I usually start the blog, but I've had nothing in my brain up until now.

Ok, it's still kind of iffy.

But in my defense, I opened the page to write like at least two hours ago, but then I got distracted reading Miriah's blogs which ended up giving me too much to think about and then of course trash day and breakfast and a little girl who hates taking medicine but has to, also got in the way.

So, finally, here I am. And I should be making calls about a potential van for us, but I just kind of haven't gotten around to it yet.

Fine, I'm avoiding it. And I totally shouldn't be, but I hate talking on the phone and I'm tired of dealing with idiots. This whole car thing is enough for me to be perfectly content to just go with out.

I don't need a car.

Not really.

I mean, when I have one, I totally think I need one. But I've been without one since Easter and we have totally been just fine. I think we are even saving more money than usually because I can't go out and about spending it. As long as I stay off the Ebay......

But on the other hand, when we have needed two cars I've had to rely on the kindness of my family, mainly my mom and Kylee, and as great as they have been, I think, in general everyone has a limit to their kindness.

In a perfect world, and between Christians and even between family you would think that we would have perfect attitudes towards generosity and kindness, but this is the real world, and I'm sure I have been more than irritating.

So anyways, here I sit. Frustrated and ready to give up. I suck at decisions. I suck at being a grown up. And right now I'm also getting an F for being a mother.

Yesterday when I blogged Stella was remarkably better.

But today, not so much.

What started as Double Ear Infections is now, what I'm pretty sure is a miserable head cold and the possibility of strep. She won't let me see her tonsils, but she is miserable, whiny, her nose is constantly running and she sounds different, you know that strep sound?

I would take her to the doctor, but......

Actually, I wouldn't anyways, because she is already on an antibiotic.

Ok, this blog is spiraling out of control. If I had the patience I would go back and start over, but as it is, I don't.

I started this morning in a good mood. With an empty head, but also in a good mood.

What's that saying? Ignorance is bliss.

It truly is. When my head is empty there is nothing to worry about, no problems, no decisions, nothing. But now, as the day goes on and I have more things to think about and more decisions to make, now I have too many problems and decisions and too much stuff.

The car situation for one.

Stella being miserable. Which I am sure attributes most to my suddenly horrible mood. I have the hardest time when my children are sick. Not only is it stressful because they are so needy and demanding, but it's also heartbreaking to watch your child suffer and not be able to do anything about it. I mean sure I can give her medicine, but she hates medicine. HATES it. It's pretty much torture for her to take it and for whoever is giving it to her.

And now dance is on my mind. Thanks a lot Miriah.

Ha. Just kidding.

Ok, so here is the situation. I might have explained this before, but I need to talk it out again. Stella goes to this A-mazing dance studio. Like, they are incredible. I'm not just saying that, I mean, their trophies and competition scores speak for themselves.

I had no idea that it would be so fantastic when I started sending Stella there. My good friend Lindsay teaches there, and one day she called me up and was like I'm starting a class for 18 month olds(Which is how old Stella was at the time.) The price was right and since she wasn't involved in any other activities, plus I thought it would be absolutely adorable we signed up.

I have been nothing but happy since we've joined. I cannot wait to put Scar in next year.

Speak of the devil, I just had to pull Scarlett off of the table outside. She not only climbed on to the chair, but took a jumping leap to shimmy herself onto the table outside. She is fourteen months. And a total terror. Stella and I have no idea what to do with her, especially because Stella has never even attempted to climb on top of a table. Ever!

Ok, so anyways. My family is entirely against the dance studio to begin with because of Recital last year. They failed to see the talent and dwelled only on the riskay dances. I get it. I mean, I'm not a "Toddlers and Tiaras" kind of mom and I am certainly focused on instilling a Moral Compass into my child.

I want Stella to learn how to dance on stage, not on a pole. Ok.

But I also know the Christian Culture. And if I change studios, I will not only lose Lindsay as her teacher, I will not only lose the chance for Stella to grow up in the same studio as Bella one of her dear friends, but I will lose the opportunity for her to be as talented as she could be.

We all know it's true.

Which is totally fine if Stella is only going to kind of like dance, and prefer soccer and volleyball and basketball and so dance would only be the tool used to sharpen other skills. But this is Stella, not Scarlett, not some outgoing, aggressive, need to win it type. This child is gentle, and sensitive and dainty and all in all a total priss.

So, which way to do I push her in.

Do I stay at our dance studio and push her in the direction of competition and dancing multiple times a week and expensive costumes? Or do I assume dance will not be her only love and go the mediocre route?

I know, I'm looking at the big picture right now. Ok, the huge picture. And what I should do is take one day at a time. Who cares if I don't put her in competition in July and wait until the next here? Right. There's not that big of a difference..... But there is. In my mind there is. Either I want to do competition and stay where we're at, or I don't and in that case I move studios.

Either I am ok, with the choreography and stay and pray every day that she doesn't use that skill to earn rubber band fulls of one dollar bills. Or I'm not and I move. Although, as a parent, I have to believe I have some right to the dances she will or will not participate in. Can't I go to the owner and be like, I want Stella to compete, but please don't put her in any dances that make her look like she works at 20's Show Girls? (I'm exaggerating for humor sake, it's really not that bad.)

I am probably wayyy over complicating this issue, but I don't know what I want for her.

I know, right? Shocker.

But here's the thing. I did everything. Like everything. My parents gave me absolutely every opportunity. I mean, I did gymnastics until I was way to freakishly tall to compete at my level. Haven't I ever told you I hit 5'7(The height I am now) in fourth grade. Yea, that's right. Just imagine to yourselves that kind of ogre stomping around your fourth grade class. I know, it's not pretty.....

I did dance and am still flexible to this day. But let's face it, there's another one I don't have the build for.

I played the piano and bassoon and saxophone and sang and took voice lessons and was in worship team and ensemble. I played volleyball, basketball and soccer and in junior high I even did track. I was in all kinds of groups and leadership teams and anything and everything you could do, I did do.

But my point is, I'm not great at anything. I am good at a lot of things. But not great. There's not one thing that I'm like, wow this is it. This is what I am the best at.

Part of that I can attribute to my usual love of all things at all times, if I love everything how can I possibly pick one thing? And part of that is my indecisiveness to choose one thing to focus on. But also I love being involved and doing everything and going everywhere.

Zach did other things but fell in love with soccer. And he is amazing. And still finds time to play and focus on it today. It's a true hobby, one that he is really great at and one that took him places.

And I see Dance as doing that for Stella. Or do I? I mean, how do you decide what your child will be, or what direction you want to push them in.

Ok, certain things are for certain, like Good Grades, the Church, Music(For me), and I've always thought Soccer. Out of everything, I've always assumed our children would do soccer, no matter what.

But you cannot be on select soccer teams and travel and do dance competitions and travel for that as well. Especially when the majority of Dance Competitions and High School Soccer is in the Spring.

I know, I know, at the very earliest that would all need to happen no sooner than junior high and that is a good ten years away. I get that. But at the same time, the decisions I make for her now, will influence the decisions she has to make for herself later. I'm not naive. If I push her into dance, whether she is willing to go or not, at this young age she will become totally comfortable and at home at dance, making soccer foreign to her and for my little girl, change is going to be hard to face. Not to mention, even if I start soccer now, which we have, her team is going to change every season. Her dance team is going to stay the same until she graduates high school(Or at least some of it will stay the same), which one would you be more comfortable doing?

I realize I am wayyy over-thinking this. But if you can simplify this for me. Go ahead. I'm all ears. Right now I would totally pay someone, maybe like a Personal Assistant to make all of my decisions for me.

I'm not even kidding.

And even after all of that, I'm even further from a decision than I was before. Great.


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  1. :) Love it. I can totally see how your family thought the dances were riskay.. I thought they were... and I worked at hooters for 4 years. :) But if it's any help, the little girls that dance there, and do a myriad of those crazy dances, on all of their facebook status updates right now, well 2 out of 3, have Bible verses as their status. They are GOOD girls with GREAT morals and values... because their parents won't let them be anything other than excellent. They are great Christians, the mom just wants the best for the girls. Don't settle for mediocracy. I'm SO jealous you get to send your girls to that studio.

  2. Nana Cloyd says Stella MUST do music! She already can sing in tune, (WAAAYYY ahead of her mom at 3 yrs old.)recognizes a minor key ("scary song"), and knows several songs by heart. If I play a melody - she can name it. She LOVES the Lawrence Welk show and seeing all the instruments and dancing (of course), so whatever else she does, she must always be singing or playing piano, or bassoon - or flute - or french horn (since she has such a good ear!) - and she would have free lessons from her Nana...
    And she can do MUSIC for LIFE!