Big Girls Don't Blog

Sometimes I think I'm like a man.

I'm not gender confused or anything. But sometimes I just think I relate better to boys than to girls.

I get boys. I'm not saying I'm the guru on everything male; but their language, their relationships, their activities: I get that.

Part of the reason, ok, most of the reason, is because I grew up with three brothers and no sisters.

The ruined me. Or tarnished me. Or at least gave me a different perspective.

Even Zach, says to me a lot of times, "But you're not like other girls." (I Secretly think every boy believes this when they've found the person they love. For whatever reason boys are prone to think girls are the ultimate hassle until they finally find that one that is "Different." And that is why boys marry the girls they do, even if we all know she's a ginormous skank and totally wrong for him and obviously going to ruin his entire life. (Double parenthesis, yes I am thinking of one relationship in particular, and if you know me, it won't be hard to guess.))

So anyways, we were both surprised to see how Girl-Like I am when we went to that marriage conference a while back.

Boys are like waffles. Girls are like spaghetti.

And in this way, I am the ULTIMATE girl. I am totally spaghetti. I mean, I can seriously ramble, on and on about everything and anyone and all of my thoughts and sentences intertwine creating this sort of cataclysmic confusion of events. Just try to keep up with me. Try it.

Well, you know that, I suppose if you read this blog....... It's not exactly what I would call clear and concise.

But if we're talking emotions. I'm more like a man. Well, and I have man hands. And man calves. And sometimes man mannerisms.....

Like, I don't take very many things seriously. Or anything seriously actually. I'm pretty laid back. Like, kind of extremely laid back. And you can almost say anything to me. I rarely get grossed out and even rarer get offended.

If you go over the edge, sure I give my signature middle finger, but I can't say that I'm offended. Shocked maybe. But not offended.

Anyways, I realize I'm not really a man. Or even close. But sometimes when I look at my life, I seem to fit in better over on that side of the aisle than with girls.

I've never been able to keep girl friends. I've never been able to keep close friends. In high school and college, I always seemed to make them cry. (The downside of a sarcastic personality) And after I got married I nearly lost every girl friend I ever had. Ok, I did lose every girl friend I ever had. And it wasn't after I was married, it was definitely after my Dad died, which was six months later, but that's a different story.

The girl friends I have now? I couldn't have asked for better ones. But it took me a long time to get here.

In fact, before Kristen came along, I found myself the only girl on all of the boy's nights out. And even still, if AJ and Kristen aren't there, it's just me and the boys.

But some days. Some Days. I am painfully. Painfully. Reminded that I am a girl. That outside and inside I am nothing but an emotional, fickle, irritable, loud and variably erratic woman.

And by some days I mean yesterday.

I woke up grumpy. I mean, things were not going good all day.

I hated everything and everyone.

My poor children.

There is a lot of stress in my life right now, and as it turns out I don't handle stress well. Or at all. I'm an emotional pusher, meaning I just push it down, push it down, wayyyyy down(Yes, that was the Football Cheer Push Em' Back, if you were chanting it in your head.)

I prefer to be laid back. Easy going. Generally happy. Always, the glass is half full. So when stress interferes with my Life Mantra, it effects me. Like seriously.

Most of the time, I am a Whatever Will Be Will Be philosopher. Everything has a purpose. Everything has a place. In the end it will work itself out. (I've been trying to tell you guys, I'm a total hippy.)

But, do you know that that's not true?

I mean, yes in the end that is true.

But how far away is the end? How long do I have endure the melee in the middle before I get to the point where everything has worked itself out?

And even then, the middle will a lot of times not bother me.

When the stress really gets to me, when it starts to infiltrate every thought and action and emotion, is when there are decisions to be made.

I'm going to tell you something right now, that you probably don't know about me. This is something I like to keep secret, hidden even. This is a truth about me, that is totally going to blow your mind, so get ready.

I hate making decisions.

There, I said it.

It's out there for the whole world to hear(Ahem. Read.).

What? You already knew that? Dang it.

I guess I'm not mysterious after all.


I would make a terrible President.

Um, yes I do think and sometimes dream about being President. Don't judge. I have high ambitions. But I'm afraid my inability to make a timely decision will prevent me from ultimately running for office.

Yes, that is the only reason. I know you're all disappointed.

Anyways, so there have been about a billion decisions staring me in the face these last couple of weeks and the stress has only been building and building and building.

Finally yesterday, it accumulated into one giant, terrifying, loud and uncontrollable sob fest.

Folks, what happened yesterday belongs in the World's Scariest Moments Hall of Fame.

I mean, we are talking Hitchcock Material; stuff they are only brave enough to put into the Saw Movies, all eight or ten or fifty of them. (Although truthfully, I wouldn't know because I'm not brave enough to watch any of them....)

I had had a very frustrating day of phone calls, well and several days leading up to this one. And finally I was on the phone with a mechanic and he told me that I was the strangest phone call he had ever had. And for some reason that set off the tears.

I wasn't offended. I've been told I'm the Strangest at you name it, fill in the blank, a LOT of times.

I was frustrated. And then I was stressed out. And by the time I got off of the phone with him I was hysterical and hopeless, a failed adult and a miserable wife, the glass was not half full, it was empty, like all the way empty and I was fairly confident the Apocalypse would be assured in at any moment.

Out of control, Hysterical.

I hung up my pretty little Iphone and put my hands over my face and did not stop sobbing until I felt two sweet little hands on my knees, and even then it was only to keep from scaring the children.

My poor children.

Although, Scarlett thought it was hilarious.

Stella on the other hand, not so much. Maybe because she's older, maybe because she's sensitive, but the poor child was shell shocked.

And so, I made myself pull it together. If someone would have been there to slap me, it totally would have been in order.

And finally, I'm' better today. Those like thirty major life decision(Yes, I'm being over dramatic, but barely) are not such a big deal today. Still stressful yes, but the stress I can deal with(At least until I actually have to make one of those decisions......).

Zach sent me on an errand last night, because he knows when I get wound tight a good car ride alone is my best medicine.

Nothing beats a little Postal Service Therapy. Um, the band, not the actual Government Mail Service. That would be kind of weird.

And some Buffalo Wild Wings late last night.

And of course today, the rain helps. It's a gentle relaxing rain that makes me want to read all day and forget about those irritating decisions that I'm not good at making.

I was much better at being a kid than a grown up.

So, obviously, maybe I'm not so much like a man, but a woman.

And to quote the great Jimmy James(from NewsRadio) "I am an enigma.... Wrapped in a Cypher, smothered in Secret Sauce."

And as it turns out, I don't really know myself as much as I would like to think I do.


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