I am very good at small talk.

Well, in my head I think I am very good at small talk.

I mean, I can talk to anyone, anywhere about anything. Pauses in conversation don't bother me. No subject is off limits. I can carry on a conversation really about anything and everything.

Ok, so there are some topics, probably actually, a lot of topics that make me uncomfortable. But during the context of that conversation I will never say anything. Never interupt. And never try to change the subject. Ever. I know this to be true because I always find myself in the most awkward and disturbing conversations.

Sometimes I think the awkwardness is only felt by me. That maybe I'm a bit prude or old fashioned and believe some conversations should be off limits. But sometimes I mean, the conversation really takes a weird turn and I know that I cannot be the only one thinking we should be having this discussion in the cone of silence, where there is no chance anyone else on earth, even if they don't speak our language, could by chance walk by and overhear what is coming out of my mouth.

If you know anything about me, know this, I say a lot of ridiculous stuff. I am missing that link, that um connection your thoughts have with your brain to censor what is about to come out of your mouth. Yep, I don't have that. Usually, I'd say 99% of the time, every time, as I am literally having the thought it is falling out of my mouth. Sometimes I try to catch it, but most of the time I hear it at the same time everybody else does and I have to sit there and think it over just like everybody else does.

Let me tell you, I've done a lot of apologizing in my life. A lot. The whole, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, or I'm sorry that was highly inappropriate, or I'm sorry that was totally none of my business and I should totally have not just told you everything I think about you. Anyways, this whole me-offending-people-with-my-words is only half of the problem.

The other half? The other half is me somehow getting dragged into weird and unacceptable small talk with strangers. My dear friend Melinda thinks this is a good quality. She told me the other day how every time she is in awkward conversation she wishes I were there because I have the talent of talking my way through it. I reminded her however, that I usually talk us both right into something neither one of us wants. Like singing to a group of total strangers on the spot in a foreign country. Yes, that was a result of my "conversation skills." Nobody wants to do that. In fact, I'm pretty sure nobody wants to listen to that.

Last night, I had to take Scarlett to the Doctor's office. We suspected she had ear infections on Monday, and by the time Zach got home last night she was miserable. So, he stayed with Stella while I ran Scarlett to "Sick Clinic," which is basically walk in appointments after 5.

We got right back to see the Doctor, and although it wasn't my normal Doctor because believe me we have had very strange and interesting conversations, it was a Doctor I had seen before and one that I trust. She is the only female Doctor in the office and has raised four kids of her own.

I understand it was the end of the day. And I noticed that Scarlett was the only patient there both when we got there and when we left, so I'm pretty sure it was a slow afternoon. But somehow, I don't know how, maybe it was my fault, somehow..... Anyways, once again I find myself in the middle of this conversation. This conversation that extended my Doctor's visit 45 minutes, in the middle of the dinner hour.

Thankfully, I have an amazing husband who was at home working very diligently on getting supper on the table. All the while I was chitchatting inappropriately with my child's physician in the middle of an empty doctor's office.

Well, mostly she did the talking.

Me giving her the appropriate nods and gasps and head shakes and uh huhs at all the right cues. Which of course also gives her the go ahead to continue.

I don't know how I get myself into these situations. Or why I cannot for the life of me figure out how to get out of them. But I suppose it can't be all bad right? I mean, anyone who doesn't enjoy small talk can always count on me to blubber my way through it for us all. And I would consider it a gift to be able to talk with anyone, I mean anyone and find some relatable quality between us.

I do have to admit there is one exception to this rule. Just one. And I believe it is truly impossible for anyone to carry on a conversation with this person, even me. And I say that in the nicest way possible.

So maybe it's not all bad. Maybe that Doctor needed a sounding board to try out this particular conversation. Maybe she was really sincere behind it and I am just too old fashioned and prude. Or maybe she, like all others before her, left thinking "Wow, Rachel is a very inappropriate and awkward person to talk to. How did I ever get myself in the middle of that conversation?"

By the way if you're dying to know the topic of this "awkward" conversation......

Racism.

Also another update: I did find time to give myself a manicure last night during American Idol. No more crazy homeless person, at least from the elbows to the fingernails. The rest of me is an entirely different debate.